


i could spend my whole life (getting over you)

by sunnyangel (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Developing Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings Are Confusing, First Love, Friends fighting, High School, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Johnny is a good boyfriend, Longing, M/M, Moving On, Original Character(s), Pining, Sad, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Song Lyrics, Toxic Relationship, Unrequited Love, best friends to strangers, conflicts, deaf taeyong, doyoung is a good friend, friends drifting apart, lee taeyong centric, teenager jaehyun, teenager taeyong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26057023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sunnyangel
Summary: There are three things Taeyong knows with full certainty:(1) He likes sunsets more than sunrises, (2) he’s naturally good at football (Yuta envies him because of this), and (3) he’s utterly and devotedly in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Original Character(s), Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 78
Kudos: 201





	1. running from the morning (think i hit a wall)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! welcome to my first chaptered fic. this is going to be a slow burn taeyong centric fic. the first chapter is a bit short for now since i’m still testing the waters. i don’t know yet how long this will be, so hopefully i could pull it off. i’ll try to update every week, but no promises since school is about to start for me. i will also include maybe one or two original characters in here, so if you don’t like that, you can exit the story.
> 
> please bear with me with this one. 🥺
> 
> \- sab

Taeyong stares quietly at the succulents resting on top of the shelves situated beside his window, his vision still a bit blurry in the early morning. Yawning, he reaches out to his nightstand and grabs his hearing aids along with his phone before walking towards his window and opening it with a light grunt escaping his lips. The chilly morning breeze accompanied with the quiet chirps of crickets hiding in the dark greeted him, and as he stares at the still dark sky, he feels a chill run down his spine from the cold morning.

Their house is still and quiet when he steps foot inside the kitchen. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and notices his hair sticking up all over the place from his recent sleep, paying it no mind since he already knows it would come back to normal once he takes a shower and lets it air dry. He approaches the refrigerator quietly and pulls out a carton of eggs and leftover food from last night to make himself breakfast (and lunch, too. He prefers making his lunches himself since he saves a lot more money that way.)

After he finishes making food, he proceeds back to his room to take a shower when he feels his phone vibrate in his hand.

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

Good morning, Yong! ☀️

Taeyong instantly feels a smile creep up to his face. He doesn’t reply, though. He never does. Instead, he leaves his best friend on read and removes his hearing aids before hopping into the shower. Thankfully, the water is warm — perhaps, a bit too warm for his liking, but who is he to complain? It was better than having to freeze his ass off in the earliest morning.

When he finally finishes dressing up for school, the sun was already starting to rise from its deep slumber. Sunlight filters through the sheer curtains and into the corners of his room, his white walls turning gold and warm and vibrant. Squinting, he picks up his backpack from the foot of his bed and takes one last glance at his small plant friends before leaving his room.

“Good morning, Yong,” his mother greets him while he was busy putting on his shoes. Ruby, his dog, walks up to him with a leap in her steps. “Do you have your lunchbox with you?”

Taeyong nods at her before adjusting his hearing aids. He turns to look at her and signs quietly.

_“I need to go now.”_

His mother smiles kindly at him. _“Okay,”_ she signs. _“Be careful on your way to school.”_

Taeyong adjusts the straps of his bag hanging off his shoulders before walking out of their house with a shudder. It’s still too cold, he thinks to himself as he walks over to where his bicycle is standing. He spares a glance at the house standing beside theirs and spots a familiar raven haired boy waving at him as he pulls his own bicycle along.

Taeyong has known Jaehyun since they were young. He has known him for most of his life, and he knows him enough to know that there is something not quite normal with the way he feels for the other. Jaehyun is kind and warm, and he has dimples on his both of his cheeks that make him more charming than he already is. Taeyong has always been familiar with those set of dimples, but he doesn’t really know the exact date of when his heart started to wildly beat inside of his chest whenever he catches a glimpse of those said dimples.

Jaehyun had always been around him for as long as he can remember, he knows that for a fact. And he also knows for a fact that their bond is completely platonic, and that it should and will always stay platonic. Taeyong despises the idea, but he also despises himself for wanting more out of their friendship considering it is already perfect the way it is. His thoughts frustrate him, but he still cannot help himself whenever he sees Jaehyun in the earliest of mornings and in the latest of nights. Jaehyun is kind and warm, and he knows that for a fact. Jaehyun is also completely out of his league, and that is another fact that he refuses to accept.

You can’t fall in love with your best friend and expect the same outcome you see in romantic movies.

But sometimes, Taeyong wishes his life was indeed one of those movies. Maybe that way, he will be able to pull himself away from his own shithole that he dug all by himself and see Jaehyun waiting out for him to reciprocate his feelings. It’s too good to be true, but he knows that’s what his wildest dreams look like.

Just Jaehyun smiling back at him, telling him that he loves him as well.

“Morning!” Jaehyun chirps when he finally comes face to face with Taeyong. “Did you sleep well?”

“Mm, sure,” Taeyong shrugs at him. He notices Jaehyun’s dimples and feels his chest stutter. Grunting, he dumps his bag into the basket attached to his bike. “I didn’t have any nightmares, thankfully.”

“I keep telling you, as long as you don’t stress yourself out too much, you’ll have a good night of sleep!”

Taeyong mounts quietly on his bike. “Yeah, I already heard you the first time.”

“Just reminding you, Yong!”

Taeyong rolls his eyes and signs, _“Shut up._ ”

He didn’t have to look back to see Jaehyun grinning widely at him.

The ride to their school was quiet and peaceful, and Taeyong cannot help but to silently watch the scenery of rice fields flashing past them while the sun slowly made its presence known. The harsh wind felt warm on his skin, a contrast to the early morning breeze. He cracks a small smile and lets himself bask under the sunlight and fresh air, his feet pedaling faster just as he sees the familiar sight of their school’s main building. He vaguely hears Jaehyun calling out to him.

“By the way,” Jaehyun says as they put locks on their bicycles. “I won’t be joining you guys for lunch.”

Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him. “Why?” He asks before standing back up and adjusting the straps of his bag once again.

Jaehyun rubs the back of his head, a sheepish smile etching its way onto his lips. Taeyong notices the slight flush of pink on his cheeks.

“Uhm, I have to meet up with someone later.”

Taeyong nods in acknowledgement. “Okay, I’ll tell Yuta and the others. Text me if you change your mind.”

“I will…”

Jaehyun bids him farewell, then, and he watches his retreating back quietly before making his way to his classroom as well. The familiar corridors of their school seemed to have calmed his nerves down a bit, and his previously wildly beating heart finally went back to normal as he rounded up the corner and sees Yuta and Doyoung standing by the doorway, talking in hushed voices.

Doyoung now stands a few centimeters taller than Yuta, his growth spurt finally catching up to him during the summer. Taeyong notices his friend looking mildly problematic.

“Morning,” he says as he approaches the two of them. Yuta spares him a quick glance and grins.

“Hey!”

“Hey, Yong,” Doyoung nods at him. “You’re here early.”

“I’m always early, though?”

Taeyong walks over to his locker and pulls out his own pair of slippers. Doyoung stands closer to him while Yuta leans against the wall near the doorway.

“Yeah, but you’re here earlier than usual,” Doyoung muses. “Did Jaehyun wake up early today?”

Taeyong shrugs. “I guess?”

“Of course he did,” Yuta snickers from behind him. Taeyong raises an eyebrow and turns to him with a questioning look. “What? Haven’t you heard?” Yuta furrows his eyebrows at him.

“Heard of what?”

“Jaehyun’s planning on courting someone.”

Taeyong blinks once, twice. Jaehyun is _what?_

“Where did you get that?” He asks, incredulous.

“I heard it from Johnny.”

Taeyong’s forehead creases at the mention of a familiar name. He vaguely remembers a tall 2nd year they often play against every time he and Yuta goes out to the field for football. If he’s remembering it correctly, Johnny and Jaehyun are far from being friends, so him relaying this kind of gossip — much less a gossip about a junior of his — seems quite out of place. Frankly, Taeyong doesn’t believe it. He refuses to believe it unless Jaehyun tells him otherwise.

“Who’s Johnny?” Doyoung asks, an eyebrow raised.

“A guy from 2nd year. He often plays football with us after every dismissal. I heard him talking to his friends the other day and I happened to overhear Jaehyun’s name being thrown around.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him and proceeds to remove his shoes to throw on his slippers. “Don’t go around believing everything you hear, Yuta.”

Doyoung shrugs nonchalantly. “Well, we’ll never know unless we hear it it directly from Jaehyun.”

Right. They’ll never know unless Jaehyun tells them otherwise. Still, that didn’t stop Taeyong to squirm uncomfortably in his seat throughout the rest of the morning whenever the thought of Jaehyun pursuing someone else comes to his mind.

What would he do if the rumor turns out to be true?

Jaehyun has never kept secrets from him before. It’s always been the two of them keeping secrets away from the others, and never just Jaehyun or vice versa. The thought makes his stomach drop, his feet suddenly growing uneasy against the ground he’s standing on.

He’s never thought this far ahead. All his life, it’s always been Jaehyun and him. It’s always been Jaehyun and Jaehyun only. Never Jaehyun and someone else. Just him and Jaehyun. What would he do if the rumors are proven to be true? How will he cope? He’s never been the one to actively express his feelings all the time, and he’s mastered the perfect way of looking rather unaffected for years now. If Jaehyun ends up getting together with someone else other than him, how will he cope?

He thinks he doesn't wants to find out.

By the time lunch finally arrived, Taeyong was already evidently on the edge. He stares at the vending machine in front of him, his index finger hovering over the button for his favorite yogurt milk drink. The hem of his uniform was a bit crumpled from being gripped too much during the past few hours.

A finger went under his to press the button. Taeyong blinks multiple times and turns to see a familiar figure standing idly beside him.

“Hey,” Jaehyun greets, his face a bit too close for Taeyong’s liking. The latter takes a step back, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“I thought you said you’re meeting up with someone today?”

“I am,” Jaehyun nods. “I’m just grabbing a drink before I go. What about you? Where are the others?”

Taeyong crouches down to take his yogurt drink from the machine. “They’re in the cafeteria already.”

“Eating without you?”

Taeyong shrugs nonchalantly and turns back to his best friend. “I told them to go save us a seat while I get myself a drink. It’s not a big deal.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun nods. “Then, I’ll be going now. I’ll see you later?”

Taeyong stares at him and notices the slight hint of rosiness dusting over his best friend’s cheeks. Jaehyun has always appeared to look flushed, but there was something different with the way he smiled today, the corners of his lips lifting higher and higher as the tips of his ears grew a deeper shade of red.

He seems… happier.

Unconsciously, Taeyong furrows his eyebrows, an unanswered question already lying at the tip of his tongue. Should he ask Jaehyun about what he heard, or would that be too much? He didn’t want to pry, and if Jaehyun was keeping something away from him, that would not be a part of his business anymore. Jaehyun always tells him everything. He has nothing to worry about. Right?

Instead, Taeyong nods and says, “See you later,” before trudging away, a heavy feeling growing even heavier at the pit of his stomach. He suddenly wants to throw up.

“What’s wrong?” Doyoung asks once he arrives at their table.

Taeyong only shrugs and takes his lunchbox from Yuta who continued to devour his lunch with gusto. Taeyong stares at his own container, finding the food unappetizing so suddenly with the growing dread inside him.

“‘M not hungry,” he says with a sigh. He turns to Yuta and pushes his food towards him. “You can have it if you want.”

Yuta grins at him, his cheeks still full of rice. Doyoung grimaces at his friend. “Thanks!”

Taeyong sighs, completely looking out of it for the rest of the day.

Jaehyun seems happier than usual, or perhaps he was just overthinking it especially after what Yuta had told them. He knows he shouldn’t be pressing on too much on the matter — it’s just a rumor after all, but the growing dread settling within him makes him squirm uncomfortably on his toes. Just thinking about it — seeing Jaehyun happy with someone else — makes his stomach churn in an unpleasant way.

He knows his own way of thinking is bad. He should be glad Jaehyun is seeing someone that makes him happy! But his own selfishness always goes in the way whenever he so much thinks of Jaehyun spending his precious time with anyone else other than him. He’s known Jaehyun for all his life, he shouldn’t have to share him with other, right? He’s his best friend.

_But that is all there is._

Taeyong mentally groans. He is Jaehyun’s best friend; and he knows that is all there is for the two of them. Childhood friends, and nothing more. Jaehyun isn’t for him to claim, and he knows that.

“You should really buy a new pair of shoes,” Yuta tells him as he spins a football on top of his index finger.

Taeyong grunts as he finishes tying his shoe laces. “They’re still durable,” he says before adjusting his hearing aids.

Yuta shrugs at him before the two of them headed out towards the field. Taeyong spots Doyoung sitting by the bleachers and reading a book while he waited for the two of them to finish playing.

“Aren’t you going to do your warm-ups?” Taeyong asks when Yuta starts to bounce the ball against his knees.

“No need.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes before turning back to look at the bleachers. He sees Doyoung waving a hand at him, his eyes searching for a familiar raven haired boy. Where is Jaehyun?

“Let’s go, Yong! The game’s about to start.”

Taeyong lets out a sigh and turns back to jog behind Yuta.

His play was a bit sloppier than usual — which was weird considering how he has always been naturally good when it comes to football. Even their opponents looked at him weirdly after the game, noticing his aloofness all throughout the match they had. By the end of the game, Yuta was already latching onto him obnoxiously.

“You don’t look too good,” he tells Taeyong as he swings an arm around his shoulders. Johnny, the 2nd year student they played against, casts a curious glance at the two of them. “Are you alright?”

Taeyong shrugs Yuta’s arm off him. “I’m fine.”

“Do you need water?” Johnny holds out his own water bottle, still panting.

Taeyong bites his lower lip and shakes his head, not wanting to meet his senior’s gaze. He politely excuses himself out of the conversation before turning his back to them, sweat covering his from head to toe. He doesn’t feel good.

Without bothering to change into a new set of clothes, he grabs his backpack from the grass and proceeds to leave the field without another word. He yanks his hearing aids away from his ears despite knowing Yuta or Doyoung would be calling out to him. He arrives at the front gates of their school’s main building and sees Jaehyun’s bike missing.

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows in confusion. Where is Jaehyun? He walks over to his bicycle quietly and starts to remove the lock from its wheel when he feels his phone vibrate inside his pocket.

_Jaehyunnie >.<_ _:_

Hey! You can go home without me. Something came up. 😅

Taeyong stares at his phone indignantly. With a huff, he shoves it back into his pocket and starts to pull his bicycle along with him.

He bikes home alone for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting Over You - Lauv


	2. i think i’m afraid of what comes next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong struggles to cope with his emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa the second chapter came it a bit earlier than expected! 😅 anyway, i hope you like this one. the next chapter might come later on next week, depending on my schedule.
> 
> twt: @yzhangml
> 
> \- sab

Taeyong can feel his eyes burning a hole right through the screen of his smartphone, searching and desperate for something that would most probably never arrive even if he waits until the break of dawn.

His room felt colder than usual, and his sheets felt heavy over his legs despite barely being covered by the duvet. The bright light from his phone screen burns right into his red rimmed eyes, and he wonders if he would be able to wake up the next day without looking like he had just spent the whole night lying awake (the thought doesn’t seem too far fetched, though. He’s quite confident that would most probably happen with the amount of thoughts racing in his head.)

He stares at the rapidly blinking blue line on his screen, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard as he chides himself to just _fucking text him already._ Would he come off as too needy if he did? He didn’t want to bother Jaehyun too much, but he also feels weirdly left out especially after being ditched just a few hours ago. Not that he blames Jaehyun, though. He is completely allowed to have a life of his own, but Taeyong wishes he wasn’t so kept in the dark. He hates being left out, especially by his best friend.

Sighing, he lowers his phone onto his chest and starts rubbing his eyes with his fingers. He hears the shuffling of feet from across his bed, and before he even had the chance to check on it, he already feels the familiar presence of Ruby as she leaped over his bed and bounded towards him, her tail wagging continuously behind her. Taeyong rolls over to his stomach with a grunt and stares at her quietly.

He reaches out behind her ear with a tired smile. “Hello, bubu.”

Ruby tilts her head to the side, her ears perking up. Taeyong smiles warmly at her when she starts to scoot in closer to feel Taeyong’s touch. She lifts up a paw and gently drags it across her owner’s arm, her round eyes wide and glossy.

Taeyong lets out a sigh. “I’m fine, bubu,” he tells her. “Just a bit sad, I guess.”

Ruby starts to whine, making Taeyong stare at her in confusion. He leans back slightly while she settles down beside him with a huff. He smiles and continues to carefully thread his fingers along her fur.

“Can I tell you a secret, Ruby?” He mutters quietly. A beat of silence passes by. “I think I’m in love with Jaehyun.”

Ruby does not respond. Instead, she leans closer to her owner, her head nuzzling near his armpit.

“I don’t think he likes me back, though,” he continues, muttering more to himself now while Ruby slowly falls asleep under his touch. “What do you think I should do, bubu? Should I stop liking him?”

He doesn't receive a response. He cracks a smile all to himself. “I should, right? Ah, but I don’t know how to. He’s like a magnet.”

Ruby lift her head back up, her ears perking up. She stares at Taeyong quietly, her head tilting slightly to the side. Taeyong softly smiles at her before letting out a huge sigh from his chest.

“I’ll be fine, right?”

Ruby whines at him. Taeyong furrows his eyebrows in return. “What? You think I won’t?” He chuckles. “I’ll be fine, bubu. I’m sure this is just a crush.”

Taeyong sighs and buries his face against Ruby’s fur. He listens to her steady breathing, and he wonders, all to himself, if he would really be fine after everything passes by. He knows he should be, but it seems as though he’s already too deep into his feelings for him to come out of it unscathed. One way or another, he knows he will eventually have to face his fears. He knows he will eventually have to hurt.

He doesn’t receive even a single text message from Jaehyun that night. When sleep finally catches up to him, he decided to toss his pride away and send him a single text.

_Me:_

_Good night, Jae. See you tomorrow._

He doesn’t wait for a reply.

* * *

Taeyong’s morning had been going relatively well until he saw Jaehyun crouching by their house’s front door in his school uniform while playing gleefully with Ruby. He had to stare at them for a whole minute before he managed to finally move his feet across the floor once again. Jaehyun lifts his gaze up to him, a shy smile forming on his chapped lips.

_“Good morning,”_ he signs to Taeyong when he notices he’s not wearing his hearing aids.

_“Morning,”_ Taehong signs back, idly standing in front of him with his backpack hanging loosely over his shoulder. _“How long have you been waiting for me?”_

_“Not too long.”_

Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him before he reaches out to his bag for his hearing aids. He removes the device from their case and swiftly puts them back on behind his ears. Without another word, he stalks past Jaehyun and towards his bicycle, feeling mildly embarrassed at the evident awkwardness hanging in between the both of them so early in the morning. Jaehyun stares at his retreating back before fetching his own bicycle in front of Taeyong’s house.

Taeyong shuts his eyes tightly as he starts to pull his bike alongside him. He can hear Jaehyun’s quiet footsteps hitting the gravel from behind him, a sound he has already grown accustomed to after years of going to school early in the morning together. Somehow, the familiar sound sent shivers down his spine.

“Taeyong?”

Taeyong’s breath hitches at the sound of Jaehyun’s voice. His grip on his bicycle tightens, his knuckles turning a sickly shade of white.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Taeyong bites his lower lip. Why is he apologizing so suddenly? He doesn’t respond. Instead, he continues to pull his bike with him quietly as he waited for the gravel to end and for the cemented road to come into his vision.

It reminded him of the much simpler times when they were much younger than they used to be, when the roads along their houses were all but cement, the ground void of solidity and was instead filled with countless of stones and dirt that accompanied them all throughout their day. Riding their bikes were much harder then, but Taeyong found it to be more enjoyable compared to now. He remembers Jaehyun’s bruised knees from all the fall he had to endure, tears spilling from his eyes, but he also remembers him mounting on his bike again and again after every fall. His childhood had always consisted of Jaehyun, and the remaining gravel they now walk on reminds him of nothing but that.

“I’m a bit preoccupied with a few things right now,” he hears Jaehyun chuckle from behind. “I was waiting for the right time to tell you, but I had to make sure of it yet before I do. I’m also not sure if you would be fine with it or not, so that’s why…”

Taeyong turns to him. “You ditched me,” he states. “You didn’t even send me a message last night.”

Jaehyun winces. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “That’s why I’m here to explain.”

Taeyong stares at him pointedly, waiting for him to continue.

Jaehyun stops in his tracks, the strap of his bag hanging over his torso loosely. He shifts his weight onto his other foot. “I’m seeing someone.”

Taeyong recognizes the hint of rosiness on his best friend’s cheeks, growing deeper with every second and crawling up to the tips of his ears. He swallows thickly and tries to put out a genuine smile.

“Oh…” He trails off. “That’s good.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “I don’t know,” he mutters. “I just don’t want you to think that I’m replacing you with someone else.”

Taeyong scoffs at him. “You know I’ll never think that way,” he says, already growing tired of his own lies.

Jaehyun smiles, genuine and bright. “Her name is Nam Miyoung. She’s a 2nd year student.”

Taeyong clenches his jaw, not knowing how to respond. He lowers his gaze onto the ground and stares at the stones resting beneath their feet.

Where does he go from here on?

“Yong?” Jaehyun calls out to him. “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah,” he nodded at him, flashing a smile that seemed to nice to be considered as genuine. Jaehyun doesn’t notice. “I’m happy for you, Jae.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun grins. “It means a lot to me.”

Taeyong mounts on his bike and starts to pedal away, quickly turning his back against Jaehyun’s view to mask away the hurt on his face.

The clear view of rice fields does not comfort him this time around.

* * *

“Hey, before you go. Can I ask for a favor?”

Taeyong turns back to look at Jaehyun, an eyebrow raised. “What is it?”

“I want you to eat lunch with us,” Jaehyun lets out a sheepish smile. “So that you can meet her…”

_Oh._

Taeyong stares at Jaehyun’s pleading gaze. He wanted _so badly_ to decline his friend’s offer, to make up an absurd excuse just to escape the impending doom he’s about to face, but he also knows he would only be prolonging the chance of meeting _her_ face to face if he turns Jaehyun down now (and maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t want to let his hopes down.)

“Sure,” he says, shrugging. “That sounds nice.”

Taeyong mentally cringes at himself. _Nice? That’s probably the worst thing he could ever agree on._

“Thank you, Yong. It really means a lot.”

“It’s nothing to worry about, Jae.”

“I know, but still, thank you.”

His knees have practically turned into jellos the moment he steps foot inside his classroom. He can still vaguely remember the way Jaehyun’s eyes lit up the moment he agreed to his offer, and his evident gratitude made his stomach churn in the worst way possible. How come Jaehyun seems to be so happy while he sulks all by himself? Jaehyun never seems to looks so energized whenever they’re together, and the slight change in his demeanor irks him in every way possible.

He sighs, knowing he’s being the worst _best friend_ someone could ever have. Will he be able to keep up his act and continue to pretend that he is actually _happy_ for his friend? The fact that he even has to pretend makes him feel guiltier, but who can blame him? As much as he wants to deny it, his jealousy is clearly evident with the way he carries himself.

Where does he go from here on? If he were to confess, he’s quite sure his relationship with Jaehyun would only go downhill and delve deeper underground. He doesn’t want to ruin what they already have. That is all there is left for him.

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asks him the second time around that morning. “You seem off.”

Taeyong doesn’t turn to look at him. “I’m fine,” he responds timidly, reaching out to adjust the volume of his hearing aids to mute some of the sounds. Doyoung understands his message with a nod and starts to back away.

By the time lunch came, Taeyong could practically feel his guts in his throat. He was debating on whether he should ditch Jaehyun or not. He already knows a familiar escape route where students mostly go to when they want to cut classes, and as pathetic as it may sound to others, he was more than willing to ditch his afternoon classes just to avoid having to face Nam Miyoung.

“Shit,” he groans quietly when he sees Jaehyun already approaching him with a smile. He runs a hand through his unkempt hair and tries his best to greet him back. “Hey…”

A few students who noticed them started to look their way, all eyes curious at the small scene. Taeyong notices their stares, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Only then does he realize the growing presence beside his best friend.

He didn’t expect Nam Miyoung to look very… average. He expected someone that nearly resembles some sort of a goddess with the way Jaehyun’s whole face lit up when he mentioned her to him earlier that day. Looking at her now, his gaze a bit too extreme than how he wanted to let on, he realizes just how normal looking she is next to Jaehyun.

_Stop it,_ he mentally chides himself. He can’t be rude to her.

“Oh! Look what we have here!”

Taeyong tears his gaze away from the girl to see Yuta snickering obnoxiously to himself. Doyoung emerged from behind him a few seconds later, an eyebrow raised at Jaehyun.

“So, it’s true?” Doyoung asks, eyes flickering over to Nam Miyoung who remained standing beside Jaehyun. “This confirms the rumors, then?”

“Depends on how you want to look at it, Doie,” Jaehyun grins widely at Doyoung before turning back to Taeyong. “Let’s go? We already reserved a table for us.”

“What about us?” Yuta calls out once they started to walk away. Jaehyun only gives him a wave.

To say Taeyong is uncomfortable is an understatement. Nam Miyoung seems to be a very timid girl with the way she presents herself to the public. Her chocolate colored hair cascaded down her shoulders smoothly and framing her small face rather a bit too perfectly to be considered natural, and Taeyong wonders for a moment if Jaehyun had always liked brunettes. He suddenly wants to dye his hair brown.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Taeyong-ssi.”

Taeyong swallows carefully, shifting slightly on his seat. He turns to glance at where Jaehyun had disappeared to get them their food.

“I’ve heard so much about you,” Miyoung adds with a gentle smile.

Taeyong meets her gaze, an eyebrow raised. “Only good things, I hope?”

Miyoung lets out a chuckle, and Taeyong cannot help but to notice just how refreshing she sounds. “Jaehyun speaks very highly of you. He really admires you.”

“Oh,” Taeyong squeaks. “Well, then, I’m glad to hear that.”

“He, uhm, also mentioned about your hearing condition.”

Unconsciously, Taeyong’s hand goes up to feel the hearing aid resting behind his ear. For a moment, Miyoung looked terrified. Despite being one year their senior, she seems to be more of the underclassman between the two of them.

“N-not that I have a problem with it!” She stammers, waving her hands in front of her. Taeyong lowers his hand onto the table and watches as her cheeks flush a deep red color. “It’s just that, my brother also has difficulty in hearing.”

“Oh,” Taeyong managed to squeak out. He meets Miyoung gaze, suddenly conscious about the topic they’re having. Thankfully, she seemed to have detected his discomfort and quickly dropped the subject with a clear of her throat.

“How is high school for you, by the way? How’s your first year been so far?”

“Good,” Taeyong shrugs. “Nothing too interesting.”

“Mhm, I feel you. My first year was also a bit boring compared to what other people have told me. It was a bit underwhelming,” she says, tucking a strand of hair behind her air with a small smile. Taeyong watched her movements carefully. “I heard you play football?”

“I guess…” He says, biting his lower lip.

“Jaehyun said you’re a great player! Do you plan on pursuing it professionally?”

Taeyong shakes his head. He’s never thought of that before. “No…”

“What are you guys talking about?” Jaehyun returns to their table with a smile, holding a tray of food for the three of them to consume. He sets the tray down onto the table before pulling out the chair beside Miyoung.

Taeyong almost breathed out a sigh of relief, his face and shoulders relaxing for a split moment before he notices Jaehyun’s arm hovering over the back of Miyoung’s chair, the space in between the two of them almost non-existent.

He clenches his jaw.

“I was just asking him about football,” Miyoung smiles at Jaehyun. “You know, getting to know him more.”

Taeyong purses his lips before diverting his attention onto the food in front of him. He doesn’t feel like eating again, but it was a better excuse to keep quiet while the other two carried the rest of the conversation. He gave out an occasional nod or hum to look like he was paying attention to what they were saying, and Jaehyun nor Miyoung never questioned his aloofness. He’s always been rather timid, and Jaehyun, thankfully, knows that well enough to appreciate his presence for the afternoon.

As the three of them bid farewell, Taeyong cannot help but to think of how likeable Miyoung actually is. It him made him feel worse about himself. He would rather have her be rude towards him. That way, he would have a pretty good reason to dislike her. Her kindness seems almost too suffocating for him. She seems to be almost too perfect for his liking, and he doesn’t know how he would be able to deal with her in the coming days with his bubbling jealousy.

Later that day, just as classes ended, he receives a text message from Jaehyun that did nothing but to dampen his mood more than it already had.

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

Hey, Yong! I forgot to tell you earlier but I won’t be going home with you for the rest of the week. Hehe

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

But I’ll still be accompanying you to school every morning, don’t worry!

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

Thanks for understanding. I owe you a lot. 😁

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. He quickly types out a short response before grabbing his backpack by the straps and rushing out their classroom in a blur of motions, his chest constricting at the foreign feeling bubbling inside of him.

He _hates_ it.

“Hey, where are you going?” He hears Doyoung call out to him.

With a huff, he lowers the volumes of his hearing aids and heads out to where his bicycle is.

* * *

Empty.

Taeyong stares emptily at his succulents, his stomach begging for him to come outside of his room and eat. It hurt for him to move, and he feels as though a nail is being drilled into his throat as he fights the urge to throw up the remnants of his lunch.

Sighing, he continues to water his plants quietly, letting the last bits of sunlight from the sunset stain the side of his face with golden rays.

He wonders if it would already be too late for him to back out. He realizes just how much of a fool he is for taking care of his feelings for years despite the growing uncertainty laid out in front of him. How will he be able to escape the hole he made all by himself? It seemed too impossible for him to see the other side again — when the only thing he worries about is whether Jaehyun would be able to wake up early enough for them to arrive to school on time. He wonders, way too many times for him to count, if there is still a way for him to salvage himself from the indescribable sensation he feels whenever he surrounds himself with Jaehyun’s presence.

Sometimes, he finds himself yearning for his best friend’s touch. He dreams of Jaehyun almost every night and wake up the next day still thinking of him and what they could be if only he was brave enough to face his own feelings. He longs for Jaehyun the way a newborn longs for their mother, but he also knows his feelings should have never been existing in the first place.

It’s either you fall in love with your best friend and have your feelings returned or grow old enough to accept the fact that your feelings will never be reciprocated.

A lump makes its way into Taeyong’s throat, feeling pained at the thought of growing old and still be stuck in the same pattern every single day. But he doesn’t cry. He never does. He has already promised himself to never shed a tear for something not worthwhile. He will never cry for Jaehyun, just as Jaehyun will never cry for him.

Sighing, he grabs his phone from his study table. He sees a few unread messages from both Doyoung and Yuta and a new message from Jaehyun. He stares at the notification, thumb hovering over his screen for a minute before he finally had the courage to pull himself together and open the text.

It was only a picture. Taeyong should think it is only a picture and nothing more, but the more he stares at the attached image in Jaehyun’s text, the more he finds it harder to pull himself back up from the harsh reality.

Jaehyun and Miyoung both smiled towards the camera, their shoulders touching ever so lightly while Jaehyun held the phone for them. Taeyong cannot help but to notice just how happy Jaehyun looks. He’s never looked happier before, and he wonders if he would be able to inflict such emotion on his friend in the future. He wants to make Jaehyun happy, too.

_Me:_

Cute! ❤️❤️

Taeyong sighs and rests his forehead against the table. He doesn’t sleep that night. Instead, he remains awake until the sun slowly rose from her slumber.

He calls in sick the next day. Sighing, he stares at his cream colored ceiling and stays on his bed for the majority of his day. He would probably ask Doyoung to send him his notes instead. He can’t afford to be behind on his subjects, but he’s also quite sure he wouldn’t be able to focus anyway had he went to school for the day.

_Doie:_

Heyyyy why arent u at school

_Yuta •_•:_

get well ssssooooonnnn

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

Are you alright?

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

Get well soon L love ya!

Taeyong lets out a groan and plops himself onto his stomach. He lets his hand dangle at the edge of his bed, his feet peeking out from under his blankets. Ruby stares at him from the floor, her head tilted to the side as she stares at her owner.

“What are you looking at?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow at her. She takes a few steps towards his hand and starts to nuzzle her head onto his fingers, bringing a smile onto his facez

“Do you think I’m ridiculous, bubu?” He asks her quietly. “I shouldn’t be acting like this, right?”

Ruby sits down onto the floor, her tail wagging endlessly behind her. Taeyong stares back at her, sighing. He should probably sleep.

Later that day, after having his dinner alone inside his room, he finds himself staring at some of the recent messages Jaehyun had sent him earlier and the day before. He stops scrolling at the photo Jaehyun had sent him previously.

“Why am I like this?” He whispers to himself as he zooms in carefully into Nam Miyoung’s face.

He was only interrupted from his inner monologue when he hears someone knocking from the other side of his window. With a yelp, he drops his phone right onto his face.

“Yong!” A muffled voice called out to him.

Taeyong sits up straight on his bed and quickly adjusted the volume in his hearing aids.

“Taeyong!” A familiar voice called out more clearly, the taps against his window now growing louder. “It’s me, Jaehyun!”

Taeyong swings his legs over the side of his bed and scurries quickly to unlock his window. He sees a panting Jaehyun in the dark, the hood of his jacket covering his hair. Jaehyun grinned wildly at him, cheeks flushed from the night breeze, and he feels his heart stutter at the sight.

_“What the hell?”_ Taeyong signs at him.

“Come with me,” Jaehyun tells him before gesturing at the backyard. He pulls out something from the pockets of his jacket and shows Taeyong the yogurt drinks he bought him. “Let’s go stargazing.”

Taeyong looks at the sky, confused. “Stars aren’t even out tonight.”

“Eh. Same thing.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes, shaking his head lightly as he swings one of his legs outside his window. Jaehyun helps him get out safely, supporting his waist gently so he won’t fall face flat onto the ground. Taeyong’s cheeks flushed profusely.

“What are you even doing here?” Taeyong asks him as they started to settle down onto the grass. He takes the yogurt drink from Jaehyun and quietly thanks him for the treat.

Jaehyun shrugs at him, the hood of his jacket still on his head. “I was worried.”

“Why?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow.

“You didn’t come to school, Yong. Auntie told me you were sick.”

It’s not a big deal, Taeyong wanted to say, but Jaehyun seems to have been taking his condition more seriously that he decided to go against it.

“I’m fine,” is what he says instead. “What about you? How’s Miyoung?”

“Oh, she’s great,” Jaehyun tells him, his tone full of pride that somehow scarred Taeyong’s pride. “She’s lovely. I really like her.”

Ah.

“You seem very happy.” Taeyong notes. 

Jaehyun nods at him. “I am.”

Taeyong lifts his gaze to stare at the night sky, his breath hitching. There were no stars to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Loved You First - Joan


	3. so go ahead and break my heart again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong desperately wants to run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a bit longer to get updated! i was taking care of some school matters and stuff, and i only found the time to write earlier this morning. also, comments are very much appreciated! i'll try my best to reply when i find the time :D
> 
> twt: yzhangml
> 
> \- sab

Taeyong kicks the ball aggressively across the field, gritting his teeth together harshly as the sun hits his skin and turns it flushed in angry red. He hears Yuta calling out to him loudly, and he promptly ignores him before proceeding to receive the ball by his foot and kicking it towards the net. The blocker almost misses the ball by a millisecond, and Taeyong grunts at the sudden pressure exerted by Yuta's body slamming onto his side as his friend loses his balance, resulting to the two of them colliding onto the ground with a thud. 

Taeyong's team loses the game. It wasn't a big deal to any of them; it was just a game to pass time over the weekends. Yuta continues to lay down on the grass while Taeyong proceeded to sit up and wipe off the dirt on his arms. They lost, and although he knows it was just some simple game between acquaintances from their schools and other high schools, he cannot help but to still feel some sort of embarrassment run through him. 

He lost. In front of Miyoung and Jaehyun of all people. 

Yuta grabs his arm to help himself sit up. "That was fucking terrible." 

Taeyong hums, turning his head to look at the bleachers where his friends are seating. He spots both Jaehyun and Miyoung waving their hands to catch his attention, and the sight brings an unpleasant taste to his mouth. He ignores them and pretends he didn't see. 

"You good?" Yuta asks him, watching as Taeyong stands up from the ground while shaking his head to remove the beads of sweat forming at the tips of his bangs. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says, wincing slightly at the sudden throbbing in his ears. 

He turns back to take another look at the bleachers and sees Doyoung having a small chat with Miyoung while Jaehyun played with her fingers. The sight made his chest hurt, and it added more to his exhaustion especially after he ended his week with nothing but tiredness seeping into his bones. 

He hasn't been going home with Jaehyun for a couple of days now, and the lack of interaction between the two of them makes him feel lonely even when they see each other every morning during school days. Even then, all Jaehyun could talk about is Miyoung and how she laughs at the most ridiculous jokes and how she doesn't mind Jaehyun always telling her stories about him and his childhood before he moved back to South Korea. Taeyong thinks his ears are already about to bleed with the excessive amount of Miyoung he consumes every day, but he cannot get himself to tune out Jaehyun's voice or remove his hearing aids even when he's around because he likes hearing his voice too much, more than he would like to admit. 

It still hurts. The heavy feeling of longing and pain is still there, and he knows it would probably be there for a long time, but it seems as though he adjusted to it quickly since the sharpness of it had now dwindled down into a dull ache. 

Sweat was still dripping down his neck when he and Yuta approached the bleachers. The other three quickly greeted them under the heat of the sun. Taeyong notices it made Jaehyun glow. 

"Let's eat out today!" Jaehyun tells them. "We know a good ramen place nearby." 

"Your treat?" Yuta starts wiggling his eyebrows, grinning at Miyoung when she starts to laugh at his silly antic. 

Doyoung makes a face at his friend. "Have some shame!" 

Taeyong adjust the strap of his bag around his shoulders, feeling the sudden urge to go home early instead of coming with them. When he catches Jaehyun's pleading eyes looking at him, he cannot help but to begrudgingly agree to his offer. 

After he and Yuta changed their clothes, the five of them headed out to the nearby ramen place Jaehyun keeps on talking about. Taeyong recognizes the place from the recent picture Jaehyun had sent him and realizes it must probably be one of the places he and Miyoung visited during their mini dates. The thought alone made him want to hurl. 

They sit in a medium sized table large enough to accommodate the five of them. Taeyong sits beside Doyoung and across Jaehyun. He stares at the chair Jaehyun is pulling out for Miyoung and thinks, _that should have been my seat_. He's always sat beside Jaehyun. Why does he have to adjust now? He hates it. Pathetic as it may be, but even the mere thought of not being able to sit on his usual spot beside his best friend made him hurt. 

Doyoung notices him staring at Miyoung and Jaehyun but does not say a word. 

As it turns out, Miyoung gets along very well with other people. Yuta seems to be particularly fond of her, and while Doyoung was more reserved than him, he seems to also be just as smitten. 

"You like to sing, noona?" Yuta beams at her. "That's cool! Jaehyun likes to sing, too!" 

Miyoung flushes at his question. "It's just a hobby..." 

Jaehyun grins, the apples of his cheeks tinted with a rosy pink hue. Taeyong notices his dimples growing deeper with his smile. "She's great! She sounds like an angel." 

"And you sounds like a lovesick teenager," Doyoung comments before taking a mouthful of his ramen. 

Taeyong lowers his gaze onto his food, suddenly feeling full despite barely touching anything on his plate. 

Jaehyun raises his hand to call for a waiter. "Another plate of kimbap, please. Thank you!" 

"You're still not full?" Taeyong turns to him. 

"It's for you, dummy," Jaehyun grins at him. "I noticed you haven't been eating that much these past few days. They're your favorite, right?" 

_Oh._

I'm not hungry, he wanted to tell him, but he didn't want to waste the food Jaehyun specifically ordered for him. The gesture made his chest constrict, and he suddenly remembers the much simpler times when they were still younger. The two of them would always make their own rolls and eat it under the oak tree on the Lee's backyard. Jaehyun would always make tuna kimbap for himself, while Taeyong prefers his with lots of vegetable. The memory seems to be so far away. 

After they finished, Doyoung and Yuta were the first ones to leave, saying they still have something else to do and leaving Taeyong alone with Jaehyun and Miyoung. Taeyong curses at himself mentally for not bringing his bike with him. 

"You two can go, too," Taeyong tells them. 

"Are you sure?" Jaehyun raises an eyebrow at him, and the evident worry in his eyes made Taeyong's knees tremble. "You'll be fine, right?" 

Taeyong nods. "I'll be fine." 

Jaehyun and Miyoung both bid him good bye. As he watches their slowly retreating backs, he can't help but to let his eyes linger on Miyoung and the way she casually hooked her hands around Jaehyun's arm. 

It’s fine, is what he tells himself as he walks down the road quietly and all by himself. The throbbing in his ears became more apparent now that he's all alone. 

_As long as he's happy._

* * *

Sunday's are usually reserved for Jaehyun and Taeyong, but the moment he wakes up, he cannot seem to pry himself away from his bed, and heavy feeling lodged in his chest that seems to be pulling his weight down. He continues to stare at the ceiling, his hair sticking up in different places against his pillow as he contemplated whether or not he should go to Jaehyun's house and stay there for the whole day, just as how they had planned. 

Sunday's are for the two of them, and it has always been for the two of them for years now. Taeyong would go to Jaehyun's house next door, and he would stay there for the rest of the day to spend time with his best friend; watching movies, playing games, eating, and even sleeping on the cold tiled floor in the living room. Today, though, he doesn't seem to be ready enough to do all of _that._

He feels a buzz from his nightstand. Groaning, he reaches out to take his phone, promptly ignoring his hearing aids lying beside it. He sees a new text message from Jaehyun and quickly swipes it open. 

_Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Morning! You coming over? 

Taeyong stares at the typing bubbles, his face blank. What should he say? 

_Me:_

Can't :// I'm not feeling well. 

Jaehyun replied immdiately. 

_Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Do you want me to come over instead? 

Taeyong bites his lower lip. Should he? 

_Me:_

It's fine. I can manage. 

_Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Okay! Get well soon, love ya 

Taeyong quicky shuts off his phone. He grabs a nearby pillow and stuffs his face onto it, groaning. 

He spends the rest of his day inside his room. At one point, he decides to look out the window and was mildly horrified when he sees Miyoung being escorted inside the Jung's house by Jaehyun's mother. What is she even doing here? The sight of her alone made him lightheaded, and seeing Jaehyun’s mother welcoming her so warmly and with opened arms mildly irritated him. With a huff, he turns away from the view and heads outside of his room. 

“Taeyong, can you help me with the dishes, please?” His mother asks once she notices him coming down from the stairs. 

Without his hearing aids on, Taeyong didn’t hear her clearly. He takes a turn towards their living room and pries away their curtains to take another look outside, his eyebrows furrowing in annoyance. Jaehyun is outside now, greeting Miyoung by their front gate while his mother gushed over the two of them. Taeyong squints his eyes and tries to read their lips, growing more and more irritated. 

He turns around when he feels a cold hand grab his arm. 

“ _What’s wrong?”_ His mother signs at him. He promptly steps away from the window, his tensed shoulders relaxing. 

“ _Nothing,”_ he replies. “ _I was just trying to see something.”_

His mother walks over the window and takes a look outside, and when she sees Miyoung and Jaehyun walking together inside the Jung’s house, she turns to his son with a questioning gaze. 

“ _Jaehyun has a girlfriend now?”_

Taeyong bites the inside of his cheeks. How is he supposed to answer that? 

“ _I don’t know,”_ is what he signs to her instead. He doesn’t even want to talk about it. Just the thought of it alone makes him feel as though he’s lost a life long battle. 

When he finally heads back to his room, his thoughts have aready gone haywire, and he feels like he’s finally about to go insane. Why is Miyoung in Jaehyun’s house? What is the reason for her sudden visit? Did Mrs. Jung invite her over? How does Jaehyun’s mother even know about her? Have they met before? But it’s only been a week since Jaehyun started courting her! 

Taeyong grabs his phone from his nightstand. 

_Me:_

Miyoung came over? 

_Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Yeah! You wanna join us? We’re about to play Mario Kart! 

He stares at the reply. The thought of Jaehyun doing the same things the two of them always used to do made him squirm uncomfortably. Sunday’s are for them. It’s supposed to only be for him and Jaehyun; their own day where they just hang out and do nothing for the entire day. Why does she suddenly have to insert herself in the scene? 

_You chose not to come today, remember?_ A voice inside Taeyong’s head tells him. 

He throws his head back with a groan plopping himself down the edge of his bed. 

_Me:_

I’m good. Have fun tho! 😊 

Sighing, he lies down on his mattress and stares at the ceiling, realizing just how foolish of him to still pine over someone who would barely look at his way. Of all people, why did it have to be Jaehyun? 

He closes his eyes and falls asleep, dreaming of his best friend and his dimples. 

* * *

Taeyong gave himself a month to recollect his thoughts and feelings, but when 30 days quickly passed by in a blur, he considered going into hiding to avoid making his feelings worse. 

He was at Doyoung’s place, working on a project that is due by the next week, when he received the news. 

He takes a glance at his phone lying beside his laptop, his fingers screeching into a halt over the keyboard when he sees Jaehyun’s name plastered across his screen as an incoming call. He lets it ring for a few more seconds before swiping over the green button. 

“Hello?” He says over the phone while he adjusts the volume of his hearing aids. 

“ _Yong!”_ Jaehyun exclaims from the other line. “ _Guess what?”_

Taeyong spares a glance at Doyoung, mouthing Jaehyun’s name before answering back. “ _What is it?”_

_“She’s officially my girlfriend!”_

He grows silent, his shoulders slumping slightly, and Doyoung notices the slight change in the way his friend stared at his laptop screen, his grip on his cellphone growing tighter. Something changes with the way Taeyong lets out a heavy sigh, and Doyoung noticed all of it and much more. 

“Congratulations,” Taeyong says dryly over the phone, but Jaehyun doesn’t notice the strain in his best friend’s voice, nor does he notice the way Taeyong tried to desperately search for the rights words, stumbling over his tongue like a toddler saying his first word. “Listen, I, uhm, I need to go look for, uhm- I mean, I need to, uhm, finish our project. I-I'll call you later. Bye.” 

Doyoung eyes him warily after he ended the call. “You okay?” 

Taeyong nods at him and turns his attention back to his laptop screen, staring blankly at the blinking cursor ver his half finished document. “Yeah,” he manages to breathe out. “Yeah, of course.” 

“What did Jaehyun say?” 

Taeyong bites on his lower lip. “He finally asked Miyoung to be his girlfriend.” 

Doyoung raises an eyebrow. “And? What did she say?” 

“She said yes.” 

Quietly, and as discreetly as possible, Doyoung watched as Taeyong’s fingers flew oer his keyboard in a rush, his gaze a bit too harsh and indignant, and he wonders, all to himself, if there is something going on behind the scenes that what Taeyong lets on. It made Doyoung worry not only for Taeyong, but also for Jaehyun and the friendship they have. 

They finish their project at around 8 in the evening, and as Taeyong goes to mount on his bike, shivering slightly under the coat of his uniform, Doyoung cannot help but to let himself slip out a few words that will most probably hit close to what he thinks Taeyong is going through. 

“Yong,” he calls to him quietly before the other leaves, “you know you can always talk to me if something is bothering you, right?” 

Taeyong nods at him, but he doesn’t respond. Instead, he starts to bike away and lets the cold night breeze meet his skin under the dimly lit moon, his shadow barely catching up to him from behind. 

He tries not to think about it on his way home, letting his mind wander over anything other than the fact that Jaehyun now has a girlfriend, and that he will have to endure seeing them together and silently wish it was him instead in her place. The rice fields he passes by are barely visible at night, and the sounds of crickets chirping barely did anything to calm his nerves. He keeps his eyes forward, going faster and faster until the cemented road slowly turned into gravel, and he finally sees the familiar view of his house. 

Even in the dark, Taeyong recognizes Jaehyun sitting by their porch with Ruby on hs lap, his skin tainted with a muddy shade of gold from the nearby lamp post. He stops by his house’s gate and stares at the boy. 

“Yong!” Jaehyun calls out to him with a smile, letting Ruby leave his lap before jogging over to him to greet him. “You won’t believe what just happened!” 

“How did it go?” Taeyong asks carefully.

“It went so well!” Even under the dark, Jaehyun’s eyes shine the brightest. Taeyong quickly resists the urge to kiss them both. “We were in this park near our school when I asked her the question. I was so nervous because I thought she was going to say no! It took her almost a minute to respond, and I thought I was about to die from a heart attack while waiting for her answer! And then she _kissed_ me! She kissed me, Yong! I’m so happy!” 

Taeyong watched as Jaehyun jumped on his feet, remembering the same child he used to play video games with when they were much younger. Taeyong had been smiling then, his face free of worry and lines that made him look tired all the time, as he watched Jaehyun do the same, leaping up from the floor whenever he wins a game against Taeyong. Taeyong always wins; he always does, of course. He’s naturally gifted when it comes to winning, but that still doesn’t stop Jaehyun from rejoicing whenever he gets to beat his best friend. He will start jumping on his little feet, and from the floor, Taeyong will have to watch him with a carefree smile, a tooth missing from his mouth, but he didn’t care, then. It made him happy seeing Jaehyun happy. 

So, why can’t he feel the same way now? 

Jaehyun is happy, but why does it feel like he’s already lost even before the game has started? 

“I’m happy for you, Jae,” he tells him, voice quiet and soft and close to breaking. 

Jaehyun grins at him. “Can I hug you?” 

Taeyong nods, and before he knew it, he was being enveloped into a warm and comforting hug he had grown up to. He breathes in Jaehyun’s scent, his tensed muscles relaxing at the familiar smell of laundry detergent and watermelon scented perfume. 

“Thank you, Yong,” Jaehyun mumbles to Taeyong’s shoulder. They’re about the same height now. 

Taeyong stares up at the sky and blinks away his tears. 

* * *

Taeyong sometimes forget that Doyoung is _very_ observant when it comes to people he cares about. 

When Miyoung had roped herself into their small group after being associated with Jaehyun, Taeyong has slowly found himself in a constant state of deprivation. There is something about her – something he cannot quite put his finger on – that had always bothered him to the point of barely functioning properly in his everyday life. Maybe it's mostly because of his jealousy, but he’s always been queasy whenever she’s around, as though she knows a dirty little secret about him. He doesn’t necessarily think she knows of his feelings for her boyfriend, nor does she care of his aloofness towards her, but her presence seems to be a constant reminder of just how much he will never amount to anything when it comes to Jaehyun. He looks at her and sees someone he wants to be. His jealousy mixed with desperation that slowly seeps into his bones eats him from inside out, and while most never notice his fleeting gaze and reluctant smiles, Doyoung gets a glimpse of them, enough for him to realize what really is wrong with his friend.

Taeyong is in love with his best friend. 

“Where are you going?” Doyoung asks him when he starts to push his chair away from the table. 

“I’m going to buy a drink,” Taeyong answers rather abruptly, his gaze going over Jaehyun and Miyoung who sat side by side from the other side of their table for a split second. Doyoung notices the way his shoulders tensed at the sight. 

“I’m coming with you.” 

Taeyong only shrugs at him. 

They walked together quietly along the halls, hands brushing against each other lightly. Once they reached the vending machines, Taeyong starts to scan his choices. 

“Yong,” he hears Doyoung call out to him from behind. Carefully, he inserts a bill into the machine and presses the banana milk button. Ever since Jaehyun bought him his favorite yogurt drink after he skipped school, he hasn’t been drinking it ever since. 

“What?” 

“Are you alright?” 

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows, not even bothering to turn around and see how troubled his friend looks. “Why are you always asking me that?” 

“Just because.” 

Grunting, Taeyong crouches down to take his drink. When he turns back to look at Doyoung, he sees him staring at him with pity in his eyes. 

He hates it. 

“What?” 

Slowly, Doyoung shakes his head. “I’m worried about you.” 

“Why? I already told you I’m fine.” 

“Are you really?” 

Taeyong winced at the sudden pain shooting over his right ear. He lowers the volume of his hearing aids and ignores the throbbing sensation. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Doyoung stares pointedly at him, and when Taeyong meets his gaze, he realizes that maybe Doyoung has finally caught up. 

“You’re jealous,” Doyoung tells him, his voice careful, “of _her.”_

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You can’t lie to me, Yong.” 

Taeyong glares at him. “What is it with you?” 

“I’m worried...” 

“I said I’m fine!” 

Doyoung heaves out a heavy sigh. Reluctantly, he reaches out a hand before pulling it away immediately. “Just...” he trails off. “Run while you still can.” 

Taeyong turns away from him, his cheeks heating up. He feels Doyoung’s presence linger quietly behind him. When they got back to their table in the cafeteria, he catches Jaehyun’s eyes. 

He doesn’t think he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break My Heart Again - Finneas O'Connell


	4. you're the reason that i lie awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hearts who suffer the same path. Taeyong feels comforted, but the comfort doesn't last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the comments in the previous chapter! i really appreciate it. this chapter has minor sexual content! it's not explicit or anything, but i'm still saying this as a precaution in case any one might not be comfortable with the idea. 
> 
> thanks for reading!
> 
> \- sab (yzhangml)

Taeyong wakes up with a jolt the next day, a dull ache in his limbs reverberating through him as he blindly stares at the ceiling of his room. The low hum coming from his air conditioner filled the small and quiet space, and he feels a chill run down his spine from the cold seeping under his blankets. He blinks for a few more times, trying to wash away the remnants of his dream. 

Sighing, he grabs his hearing aids from the nightstand and gets up from his bed before heading out to the kitchen, the soles of his slippers sliding lazily against the floor. It was still dark when he looked outside the window while filling his glass with ice cold water. He thinks back to his dream again, wincing slightly at the embedded images in his mind. 

He and Jaehyun were kissing, their bodies pressed against each other desperately. Dream Taeyong had been pushed up against a wall, his back hitting the concrete with a thud as they continued to press open mouthed kisses against each other’s lips, strings of saliva connecting the two of them while they refused to let go. Dream Jaehyun’s hands roamed around his body, touching his feverish skin and caressing him in corners even he cannot reach. It felt mindblowing, and he wanted more... 

Taeyong shakes the thought away from his head, cursing softly under his breath. How can he even think of his best friend that way? What would Jaehyun think if he finds out Taeyong is having sexual thoughts about him? 

What would Miyoung think? 

“Fuck,” Taeyong groans, throwing his head back. A pool of heat grew even warmer at the pit of his stomach. “Stupid dream.” 

He puts his half empty glass into the sinks and heads back into his room, refusing to fall asleep. He wants to take an ice cold shower. 

\- 

Taeyong doesn’t look at Doyoung when he arrives in school in the morning, not wanting to dampen his mood even more than it already has. 

When he had met up with Jaehyun during the early morning, the latter had made a comment about the bags hanging under his eyes, and it made him feel even worse, especially after remember the vivid images of himself being pushed up against a wall in his dreams. It was even harder to look at Jaehyun that day, with his mind racing with the thoughts of nothing but his best friend’s lips. He feels guilty and disgusted at the same time. 

Fortunately for him, Doyoung chooses to ignore his presence as well. He feels scared. He knows Doyoung would never rat him out to Jaehyun – he's not that kind of a person, and he knows how to keep his mouth shut – but the mere thought of someone else knowing about his feelings for Jaehyun unsettles him. Doyoung knows when to mind his own business, and Taeyong knows that well enough, but the fear of being outed still lingers within him. 

If Jaehyun finds out, he’s cmpletely done for. 

With a quiet sigh escaping his lips, he sets down a few of his notebooks onto his desk. Doyoung sat quietly beside him, his head buried deep inside some young adult fiction book. Taeyong spares him a quick glance. Should he talk to him about yesterday? 

“Taeyong!” 

He snaps out of his reverie and turns around to see Yuta approaching him with his lopsided smile, his bag slung across his chest. Taeyong glances down at his incomplete uniform, noticing his missing tie and unbuttoned blazer. 

Yuta clasps his hands together. “Can I ask for a favor? Please?” 

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “What is it?” 

“Can you help me with our assignment in Physics? Just for number seven!” 

Taeyong sighs and pulls out his chair, patting his desk for his friend. Yuta beams at him and takes a sit across. 

Taeyong opens his notebook and looks for the problem. “This one?” He says, pointing at a diagram of resistors in a series of circuits. “This is easy.” 

“Easy for you!” Yuta starts to whine. “There’s too many questions! It’s confusing!” 

Taeyong glances back down at his notes. “It says here that you have to find the equivalent resistance, the current from the power supply, the current through each resistor, the voltage drop, and and the power in each resistor. You just have to use the given and solve for each.” 

Yuta stares at him. “How?” 

Taeyong sighs, ripping out a blank piece of paper. He points his pen onto the diagram. “Find the total resistance first. Since we have three resistors, you just have to add them all up to get the total resistant. So, R sub one, plus R sub two, plus R sub three. Don’t forget the symbol for resistance which is ohm.” 

“That’s it?” 

“For letter A, yes. For the total current, all you have to do is divide the total voltage with the total resistance.” Taeyong points at the diagram and shows Yuta the solutions. “After you get the total current, you’ll be able to find the current flowing through each resistor as well.” 

Yuta looks back at him. “How?” 

“The current is constant in each resistor in a series.” 

“Oh, that’s it? What the fuck?” Yuta starts to laugh at himself. “I’ve been stuck on that problem since last night!” 

Doyoung pulls his chair towards them. Taeyong shifts lightly on his seat. “Dumbass,” he tells Yuta. “I already told you it’s easy.” 

Yuta scratches the back of his head. “I couldn’t understand what you were saying...” 

“Look back here,” Taeyong taps his pen onto his desk, and Yuta turns back to look at the next problem. “Voltage drops can be solved through this formula. Total voltage is equal to total resistance multiplied but total current. Since we have three resistors, we’ll solve them all separately.” 

“We’ll have three separate answers, then?” 

Taeyong nods. “Yeah. Only the resistance will change in the given since the current is already constant.” 

“God, I can’t believe it’s that simple! Thanks, Yong!” 

“Sure...” 

“I ws also having trouble with Chemistry the other day, but Miyoung noona helped me with it. She’s really good!” 

Taeyong clears his throat and starts putting away his notebook and pens. He spares a quick glance at Doyoung and sees him shifting uncomfortably at the sudden change in topic. 

“Like, really good,” Yuta nods his head, sounding really impressed. “She’s also a top student in their whole batch! Can you believe that?” 

“Really?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow, sounding unimpressed. “That’s cool.” 

Yuta grins and closes his notebook, his pen rolling across Taeyong’s desk. Doyoung catches it with his hands. “Right? And she wants to recruit Jaehyun into the student council. If Jaehyun gets in, he’ll be the youngest member there!” 

Taeyong clenches his jaw, his hands turning into balled fists under his desk. Doyoung notices his friend’s discomfort with a wince. 

“Yuta, you wanna buy something from the canteen? I’m hungry,” he says as he stands up from his seat. Yuta starts to protest, saying he’s already had his breakfast, when Doyoung pulls him up with him. “Come on! It’s my treat!” 

Taeyong huffs out a breath and waits for his friends to leave the room before resting his forehead against his desk. A pang of jealousy shoots its way into his chest, a new foreign feeling squirming their way into his system like a newly heated cast iron. 

Of course, he thinks to himself as he stares at his shoes. Of course she’s also the perfect student everyone admires and looks up to. Just hearing the genuine awe in Yuta’s voice, and the blatant admiration of Jaehyun whenever he talks about her makes him wish he’s much, much better than how he actually is. 

She’s Nam Miyoung, and he’s just Taeyong. At the end of the day, he’ll always just be Taeyong. 

He wonders if Jaehyun would have preferred him over Miyoung if he was just a tad bit kinder, just a tad bit smarter, or just a bit more... alive. If he wasn’t so closed off, would Jaehyun have liked him? Would Jaehyun pick him if he was just a bit better at everything? If he wasn’t a person to pity? 

Would he be the first choice if he had been just as smart as her, as kind as her, as good looking as her, and as _perfect_ as her? 

Can flames battle with water if the one they’re desperately fighting for is a burning forest? 

Sighing, he lifts his head from his desk and stares at the wall clock hanging from across him. 

\- 

Taeyong feels a smile creeping up to his lips as he read the text message over and over again. 

_J_ _a_ _e_ _h_ _y_ _u_ _n_ _n_ _i_ _e_ _ > _ _._ _ < _ _:_

Are you going to play with Yuta after dismissal? I’ll go home with you 😀 

It was a weird feeling, to say the least. It’s been more than a month now since he and Jaehyun went home together, and after he had asked Miyoung to be his girlfriend, the time they spent with each other had gradually grown less and less. He knows the blame is not entirely on Jaehyun, seeing as he is mostly the one who keeps on avoiding him like a plague, but it still doesn’t take away the fact that he misses his best friend. For the first time in weeks, he genuinely feels happy. 

“You look like you’re in a good mood.” 

Taeyong adjusts his hearing aids and turns to Yuta. He raises an eyebrow at him. “What?” 

“Nothing,” Yuta starts to snicker. “I’m playing against you today. You better watch out!” 

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him. “Whatever you say.” 

Taeyong’s team wins in the end. He managed to let out a few chuckles escape his lips upon seeing Yuta’s displeased face. They both were covered with a few streaks of dirt and mud. 

“Not fair!” Yuta complain to him as they picked up their bags from the ground. 

“It wasn’t my fault your kicks didn’t reach the goal, Yuta.” 

Yuta frowns at him. The two of them start walking across the field. “I think I need to practice more.” 

“Not with me, though.” 

“Taeyong!” Yuta whines. “C’mon, just practice with me this weekend! Please? Teach me your ways!” 

“I’m not an expert on football, Yuta. Why don’t you ask our seniors instead?” 

Yuta lets out a huff. “They’re kinda scary.” 

Taeyong shrugs and walks past him to meet Jaehyun and Doyoung in the bleachers. He sees Doyoung staring at him, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“Nice game, Yong!” Jaehyun bounds up to him, signing _Good job! r_ epeatedly with his hands. Taeyong feels warm. 

“Thanks,” he mumbles. “Let’s go? I need to take a shower.” 

“We’re not eating out today?” Doyoung asks as he lets Yuta take his bag away from him. 

Jaehyun shakes his head, the tips of his hair touching his eyelashes. “Miyoung is waiting for us.” 

Taeyong almost bit his tongue. Miyoung? His eyes quickly darts to Doyoung, confusion evident with the way he continues to blink rapidly. Doyoung stares back at him. 

“She’s coming with you? You had your bicycle fixed already?” Yuta asks, tilting his head to the side. Taeyong furrows his eyebrows, turning to his friend with a confused look on his face. 

“What happened to your bike?” 

“I had a seat installed to it,” Jaehyun shrgs, “just so that Miyoung can join us on our way back home after every dismissal.” 

“Oh.” 

All of the excitement he’s feeling quickly dissipated from his body. 

He feels frustrated despite knowing he shouldn’t be feeling the way he’s feeling in the first place. Why does he need to share Jaehyun with someone else, anyway? He shouldn’t have to compromise, he shouldn’t have to adjust. Ever since Miyoung came into the scene, all he’s been doing is constantly push himself away to avoid more damage. He hates that he has to always be the one to settle for less. Where does he position himself now that he’s reduced into almost nothing? 

Can’t he have this one moment all to himself? Can’t he have Jaehyun all to himself again? Selfish as he may sound, he wants to keep Jaehyun with him, and only him. Only for himself. Just like the old times. 

Taeyong doesn’t speak when he sees her, nor does he greet her back. Instead, he ignores her, pretending to not have heard her as he mounts on his bicycle. Jaehyun figures he has his hearing aids’ volume to a low setting and chooses to ignore it. As they biked alongside together, all Taeyong could hear was the soft laughter of Miyoung and the familiar light voice of Jaehyun that cracks every once in a while. 

Her laugh is soft against the harsh wind, and he feels even more jealous as he continues to listen through her silly rambles and giggles along the way. Every part of her seems to be so perfect and serene – a contrast to his whole personality. He realizes just how fitting she is for Jaehyun’s gentle and bright nature, and it makes him feel even more ridiculous about himself. 

They drop her off in front of a small bungalow house near the rice fields. Taeyong stays on his bike, still quiet. 

“Thank you, bub,” Miyoung says as she slowly lets go of Jaehyun’s waist. She hops down the bicycle, and Taeyong’s eyes stay on Jaehyun’s hand supporting her back. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Mhm,” Jaehyun nods at her before slowly leaning in to press a soft kiss against her lips. 

Taeyong tears his gaze away from them, his chest tightening and making it hard for himself to breathe. He thinks of his dream once again and remembers the way Jaehyun’s hands gripped his hips, their lips refusing to let go of each other as desperation seeps through their bones. _Stop it,_ he mentally chides to himself. He quietly wishes he could kiss Jaehyun the way Miyoung does. The thought terrifies and disgusts him at the same time. 

“Bye! Bye, Taeyong! I’ll see you two tomorrow!” 

Taeyong turns to her quietly and gives her a small wave of his hand. He glances back at Jaehyun who kept his eyes on her retreating back, his cheeks flushed red and eyes possessing a small glimmer of admiration and content. Taeyong lowers his gaze onto the ground. 

When they finally reached their houses, Jaehyun bids him farewell before trudging away with his bicycle, and he watches his retreating back quietly, his cheeks pale and his eyes nothing but a void to be filled. Light from the setting sun gently caressed his cheek in shades of golds, and slowly, the sky splits into tones of soft blues and pinks and even a hint of purple in between. 

He continues to hurt. 

\- 

He decides to come to school early the next day. 

He arrives alone, the stillness of the campus unfamiliar to him in the early morning. Jaehyun hadn’t been able to reply to his texts – perhaps he was still fast asleep when he had sent his messages – which is why he decided to come on his own. He wants to get his mind off a few things, and being away from Jaehyun – even for just a small amount of time – might do him good. 

When he arrives at the field, he takes a moment to bask under the familiar scent of grass and dirt clinging onto the air. Remnants of the rain from last night is still evident with the way morning dew clung at the tips of the grass. As he approaches the bleachers, he sees a familiar figure sitting alone at the top part of the staircase. 

“Good morning!” Johnny chirps at him, his hair neatly styled up and revealing his forehead. Taeyong realizes it was his first time seeing his senior wearing their school uniform. He only ever sees him in his plain white t-shirt and shorts every dismissal. 

“Good morning, Johnny-ssi,” he greets him back, carefully walking up the stairs and sitting on the vacant space a few meters away from Johnny. “You’re out here early?” 

“Yup,” Johnny says, popping the ‘p’, “I always go here every morning before classes start. What about you? It’s my first time seeing you here this early.” 

Taeyong nods. “Just wanted to let off some steam.” 

Johnny nodded and starts to look around. Taeyong furrows his eyebrows. “Where’s your friend?” 

“Who?” 

“The pale and lanky one with dimples? Miyoung’s boyfriend?” 

“Oh,” Taeyong bites his lower lip. “We didn’t go to school together today.” 

“Why not?” 

Taeyong stares at him for a few seconds. What does he mean by _why not?_

“I mean,” Johnny starts to chuckle. “I just thought you two are insperable, you know? Like magnets? Although, I haven’t been seeing him around that much during our games every afternoon.” 

“Ah, well, he’s busy right now,” Taeyong says as he squirms on his seat. _With Miyoung,_ he wanted to add. 

Johnny nods at him, raising both of his eyebrows. “Right. Having a girlfriend can take up most of your time. Not that I would know, but seems to almost always happen with everyone our age who gets into a relationship.” 

Taeyong shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. “I don’t mind...” he says. “We still see each other everyday.” 

“But not as often as you used to?” 

“I think that part is already expected...” 

“Hm,” Johnny leans back slightly, tapping his finger against his chin twice, a knowing look on his face. “Does it ever bother you? You don’t look like you’re fond of Miyoung.” 

Taeyong freezes involuntarily. He looks like he’s not fond of her? Is it that obvious? Does he wear his feelings on his sleeves? 

Johnny notices the shift in his demeanor. “Don’t worry,” he chuckles. “I won’t tell anyone.” 

Taeyong grunts. “It’s not that I don’t like her,” he says. “It’s just...” 

“No, I totally get it, Taeyong. It’s cool.” 

“You do?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow, his chest throbbing. Does he know? 

“Its alright to fee jealous. Jaehyun is your best friend, after all.” 

Ah. 

“But it wouldn’t hurt if you give her a chance, too. Miyoung’s a really kind person.” 

Taeyong tilts his head to the side. “Do you know her personally?” 

“Sort of?” Johnny shrugs. “We’ve been classmates since middle school, and her parents know mine. We don’t hang out that much, but she’s really nice. Many people adore her.” 

_I can see that,_ Taeyong thinks. “Even you?” 

A smile splits Johnny’s face in half. “Even me,” he says, soft and quiet. “She’s incredible.” 

Taeyong blinks up at him, noticing the familiar hue painting on Johnny’s cheeks. Red like the raging moon. Pink like the soft skies. In a world of people with different destinies, how often does two people have to suffer the same path? 

“Johnny-ssi,” he calls out to him, the top of is head illuminated with soft yellow and gold. The sun suddenly feels warm on his skin. “Do you...?” 

“Yes,” Johnny tells him, answering abruptly as if he already knows the incoming question. “If you’re going to ask me if I like her, then, I suppose, yes. Only a little bit, perhaps, but I still do like her. What about you?” 

Taeyong bites his lower lip. Should he? 

A sigh. “Yes,” he admits. “but not her.” 

“Jaehyun?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Oh.” 

A beat of silence passes by. Taeyong turns to stare at the open field, his hair tousling to the side from the morning breeze. The space in between him and Johnny felt comforting. He never knew a stranger’s presence could be so welcoming. 

“Thank you, Taeyong.” 

Taeyong turns to him. “Hm?” 

Johnny smiles at him. “Thank you for trusting me with your secret.” 

“Well, birds of the same feather flock together, right?” 

“Yeah,” Johnny lets out a laugh. “I suppose you’re right.” 

\- 

Johnny’s words continue to echo in his head, and as he stands quietly beside Miyoung, his hands clasped tightly in front of him, the distance resting in between them signifying their relationship with one another, he cannot help but to ponder on Johnny’s words once again. 

_It wouldn’t hurt if you give her a chance._

Would it? 

Taeyong mentally cursed. He feels... awkward. Why did Jaehyun have to rush out last minute and leave him alone with his girlfriend of all people? For a moment, he considered to leave her all alone and head home all by himself, but he knows Jaehyun wouldn’t bee too happy with that. 

“Do you want to come with us this weekend?” 

Taeyong turns to Miyoung. “Pardon?” 

“This weekend,” Miyoung smiles at him, her chocolate colored hair pulled up into a tight ponytail. She looks different. Peaceful, even, like an angel. The more Taeyong looks at her, the more she is starting to look different. "Jaehyun and I are planning on going to the arcade this weekend. Do you want to come with us?” 

“Oh,” Taeyong shifts his weight onto his other foot. “No, thank you. I’m good.” 

“Are you sure? It’s going to be fun, I promise! Jaehyun told me you also like going to the arcades.” 

Jaehyun told her that? He shakes her head. “I don’t want to impose...” he says, forcing out a smile. “And I have assignments due, so I’ll be busy then.” 

Miyoung purses her lips, and for a moment Taeyong wonders if he’s hit a nerve, but her eyes remain kind against his cold ones, and a soft yet understanding smile makes its way onto her face. “You don’t really like me that much...” 

Taeyong blinks down at her. “Excuse me?” 

“You don’t like me,” Miyoung repeats, but the same kind smile remains on her lips. Taeyong feels himself growing irritated. She lets out a sigh, a few strands of her hair escaping. “I understand.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Taeyong mutters under his breath. 

Miyoung chuckles at him, the sound reverberating in the space standing in between the two of them. “I hope we get along in the near future, Taeyong-ssi. Jaehyun would want that.” 

Taeyong looks down to his shoes, the straps of his bag straining his shoulders. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m not really a people person.” 

“I understand,” Miyoung nods at him. “I want to get to know you as well since you’re a very important part of Jaehyun’s life, but if you’re not yet ready, then I’ll wait.” 

Taeyong bites down on his tongue. Why is she so kind? 

“Can you tell me more about him, though? Anything that he might particularly like that could make him happy?” 

Taeyong turns back to meet her gaze, contemplating hard. He wants to keep Jaehyun all to himself, he doesn’t want to share. His memories with Jaehyun and the things he picked up about him along the way should only be for him to know. But it’s not only him in his life anymore, and as much as he wants to stay selfish, to stay greedy and quiet, he also knows that Jaehyun would be much, much happier if Miyoung also knows. 

“Cheesecakes.” 

Miyoung furrows her eyebrows. “Cheesecakes?” 

Taeyong nods at her, biting his lower lip. “He likes to eat cheesecakes after going to the arcade, but he only eats them at the small local cafe near the town’s municipal hall. He always orders oreo cheesecakes, but he almost always don’t eat the cookies on top because he finds them too sweet for his liking.” 

He doesn’t mention the other reason behind why Jaehyun doesn’t eat the oreo cookies. He doesn’t mention how Jaehyun always leaves out the cookies because he knows Taeyong likes them so much. He doesn’t mention that Jaehyun almost always purposely orders oreo cheesecakes whenever they go out to eat because he wants to be able to give the cookies to Taeyong instead. 

_I like seeing you happy,_ Jaehyun once told him as he puts the oreo cookies onto his plate instead. _And apparently, eating oreos makes you really, really happy._

The memory makes his heart weep. 

“Thank you, Taeyong,” Miyoung smiles at him, a genuine one. Taeyong clenches his jaw. “I’ll make sure to keep that in mind!” 

Jaehyun finally arrives, and Taeyong makes sure to remain one step behind as they biked along the empty streets near the rice fields, the setting sun touching their delicate skin as they breezed past through the horizon. Taeyong continues to watch them, then, and he still continues to watch as the two bid their goodbye’s. He doesn’t watch when Jaehyun leans in for a kiss, because he knows he’ll only be able to remember his dream, and he didn’t want to remember that. 

He continues to watch Jaehyun on their way home. 

“Bye! See you tomorrow!” Jaehyun waves at him as he pulls his bicycle along the gravel. 

_See you,_ Taeyong signs at him with a sigh before heading inside their house. He goes to his room quietly and starts watering his plants by the windows one by one just as the sun disappears in the horizon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3:00 AM - Finding Hope


	5. whatever the case (i’m glad you’re happy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter break approaches, and Taeyong finally makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took a while!! i was busy with some of my school requirements that i only had the time to write this morning 😳 anyway, i hope you like this! comments are appreciated <3 (unbeta’d)
> 
> \- sab (yzhangml)

Doyoung watches as Taeyong takes a bite out of his tiramisu cake. “It wasn’t even that difficult if you’re going to really take a look at it.” 

Taeyong shrugs, promptly thinking about his possible errors during the finals exams. “It’s not that big of a deal, anyway. My grade in English is relatively good, so even if I get lower scores this time, I can just pick them back up for midterms in the next semester.” 

“You’re not worried?” Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him. 

Taeyong shakes his head. “Not really.” 

Doyoung nods, not really that surprised with his friend’s reaction. Considering how Taeyong has always been naturally gifted to be good at everything, his confidence when it comes to their studies is nothing new. Finals week had just ended, and winter break finally approaches them just as snow starts to form along the pavements. Taeyong hates the cold; it always gets his nose runny and his throat itchy and dry. _  
_

“I feel like my ranking is going to drop drastically or I’ll be kicked out of the top ten,” Doyoung groans, resting his chin on his hand. “My mom would kill me if I do.” 

“I think you’ll be fine,” Taeyong shrugs at him, still chewing on his dessert. The door to the cafe opens with a light squeak. “Your test scores are above average.” 

Yuta pops up from behind Doyoung with a lopsided grin. “Hello!” He says, waving a hand at Taeyong whose eyes darted to the people trailing behind him. 

“What are you doing here?” Taeyong furrows his eyebrows for a moment, his tone harsher than exected as he stares at both Jaehyun and Miyoung. “I mean, I thought you two have a date?” 

Jaehyun pulls out an empty seat for Miyoung. “Doyoung invited us.” 

“Ah.” 

Yuta takes a seat beside Doyoung, snatching away the chocolate shake from him. Doyoung yelps and smacks him across his head. “Anyway,” Yuta says, ignoring Doyoung’s complaints. “Finals are done! What are your plans for winter break?” 

“The usual. My family and I are going to Jeju again,” Jaehyun tells them before turning his head towards Jaehyun. “You’re still coming with us, right?” 

Taeyong purses his lips. He’s always joined the Jung’s during their week long vacation in Jeju Island every year, and it’s practically become a tradition for them to have him tag along whenever the time comes. He would have already been packing his clothes around this time of the month, and he and Jaehyun would have already been planning their activities together. Last year, they tried hiking, but the snow was too thick that they ended up staying inside Jaehyun’s family’s resthouse instead. 

“Miyoung’s coming with us, too.” Jaehyun adds. 

“Oh, wow!” Yuta starts to snicker. “Part of the family now?” 

A blush creeps up to Miyoung’s cheeks, his chocolate brown hair flowing past her shoulders already. “His parents invited me to come with them,” she says shyly. Jaehyun leans in closer to her, dimples on full display. 

He turns back to Taeyong. “You already started packing, right?” 

Taeyong shakes his head. He catches Doyoung’s eyes for a split second. “No.” 

“No?” Jaehyun tilts his head to the side. “You’re not coming?” 

“I’m...not feeling well.” 

The smile on Jaehyun’s face gradually diminished as he nods his head with a quiet _Okay_ escaping his lips. Taeyong turns back his attention to his half eaten dessert, promptly ignoring Doyoung’s buurning gaze while Yuta starts to change the subject, talking about his own plans for winter break. 

He feels guilty. He knows Jaehyun is looking forward for the trip; he always does. It’s one of the times where he and Taeyong gets to spend time together for a whole week, uninterrupted by anyone else. He was looking forward to it, especially now that he has Miyoung with him to come as well. Taeyong feels guilty for ruining their plans. They were supposed to try skiing this time, but the thought of being alone with Jaeyun and Miyoung perturbed him. He didn’t want to hurt himself like that - he’s already tortured himself mentally and emotionally during the past few months by hanging onto a thin thread, and he’s sure as hell he doesn’t want to go through that again during their short vacation. He wants peace of mind, and if peace of mind is what he’ll get for turning down their annual tradition, then so be it. 

“You’re going back to Japan?” Miyoung asks Yuta, bewildered. Jaehyun grins at her and leans his head against her shoulder. Taeyong bites the inside of his cheek. 

“Yeah! We’re going to visit my relatives and spend the holidays there.” 

Doyoung tugs on his sleeve. “Can you buy me one of those sad egg keychain?” 

“Sad egg?” Yuta raises an eyebrow at him. “You mean Gudetama?” 

“That one!” 

“What about you, Doyoung-ssi?” Miyoung turns to look at Doyoung. “What are your plans for winter break?” 

“My family and I are going to visit my brother in Seoul,” Doyoung shifts on his seat. “My brother is attending a university there, so his schedule’s pretty packed. That’s why we’re going to visit him instead.” 

“Oh! Which university? My cousin’s studying in Seoul, too!” 

Taeyong sighs and takes a sip from his drink. He catches Jaehyun staring at him. “What?”

“You sure you’re not coming with us?” 

Taeyong sets down his drink. “Yeah,” he nods, shrugging nonchalantly. “And my sister’s coming home. I want to spend more time with her before she leaves again.” 

Jaehyun nods in understandment, and he finally leaves him alone after that. Taeyong was about to apologize to him when a familiar voice called out. 

“Hey, Taeyong!” 

Taeyong lifts his gaze towards the entrance of the cafe and quickly spots Johnny waving at him with a smile. It wasn’t difficult for him to see him, especially when he’s practically towering over his other friends. He waves back at him reluctantly. 

“Johnny hyung!” Yuta calls out when he sees Johnny approaching their table with some of his friends. 

Johnny turns to Miyoung and meets her gaze. Taeyong studies him quietly, watching his relaxed shoulders tense up slightly as the corners of his lips tightened with a smile. Johnny’s actions feel familiar, like looking aat his own reflection. 

“Hey! What are you doing here?” Miyoung stands up to give Johnny a hug. Taeyong tears his gaze way, clearing his throat. 

“We just happened to pass by, that’s all,” Johnny smiles at her, glancing at Taeyong. “Someone told me the desserts here are worth the try. Right, Yong?” 

Taeyong feels his cheeks heat up. Ever since he and Johnny had their small conversation on the bleachers, their relationship took a relatively weird turn. They had exchanged numbers and even had a few more conversations about their feelings after their recent encounter. As weird as it sounds, Taeyong feels comforted with his presence, and he feels – for the first time in months – accepted and loved. He likes the attention he gets from Johnny – it fuels him and makes him all warm and fuzzy inside, and although his relationship with him isn’t as established as his relationship with Jaehyun nor Doyoung, his sudden friendship with him feels encouraging. Johnny is easy to get along with, and he even helped them with their studies during finals week. Taeyong still has his notes in English from his first year in high school. 

“Hyung, are we up for the game tomorrow?” Yuta asks Johnny. 

Johnny nods a him. “Yeah. We’re playing against Pyeongnae High School.” 

Yuta turns to Taeyong. “Can I borrow one of your t-shirts?” 

“I’m not going,” Taeyong tells him, shaking his head. “We’re going to pick up my sister from college.” 

“Oh?” Johnny looks at him dejectedly, a pout settling on his lips. “But I was looking forward to seeing you play!”

Taeyong feels his neck heating up, and he quickly averts his gaze, scared to meet his eyes. He catches Jaehyun staring at him with an eyebrow raised. _Shut up,_ he signs to him, his cheeks as red as a tomato. Jaehyun snorted at him. _You’re blushing,_ he signs back. Taeyong shakes his head and chooses to ignore him instead. 

Is he blushing? Maybe it’s too hot? But it’s _winter._

_“_ You know, I’m starting to think you’re dating someone.” Jaehyun tells him later on as the the two of them walk side by side towards their houses. Taeyong turns to him, kicking a stray stone with his foot. He pulls his padded jacket closer to him, his baby blue scarf wrapped lazily around his neck. The tip of his nose shines with a hint of red. _  
_

“What?” 

“Are you dating someone right now? Or seeing someone, at least?” Jaehyun turns to him, his hands resting inside his coat’s pockets. 

Taeyong shakes his head. “I’m not,” he says. “Why?” 

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. “What about Johnny hyung?” 

“What about him?” 

“You’re not seeing him?” Jaehyun tilts his head to the side. “You and him seem to be getting closer these past few weeks.” 

Taeyong tears his gaze away. “He’s just my friend.” 

“Do you like him?” 

Taeyong stops in front of a leafless tree. He stares at Jaehyun. “Johnny?” He asks. “You’re asking me if I like him?” 

Jaehyun nods, his eyes hard and indignant. Taeyong opens his mouth, but he closes it immediately when a thought comes to his mind. He stares at his best friend, stares at the small fragments of snow falling on his shoulders and hair. He stares at him, and he starts to wonder. Is Jaehyun jealous? 

Would it be wrong if he said he wants him to be? 

“Well, do you?” Jaehyun asks again. “Do you like him?” 

Taeyong shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “If I do like him, what would you do?” 

A smile forms on Jaehyun’s lips. Taeyong stares at the abundance of white surrounding them. “Nothing. I’m happy for you.”

Taeyong bites his lower lip, hating the fact that Jaehyun sounds genuine, that he looks genuine as he stares back at him with his ever so familiar smile. Taeyong wants him to be jealous; he’s desperate for his feelings, for his jealousy. Why can’t he feel anything? 

Later that night, he thinks about Jaehyun again when he receives a text message from Johnny. 

_Johnny hyung_ _:_

Are you free next week? Let’s watch a movie! _  
_

Taeyong rereads the message over and over again. _Do you like him?_ Jaehyun’s voice whispered to him. 

_Me:_

_Just the two of us?  
_

_Johnny hyung_ _:  
_

_Yeah! Like a date? Only if you want to tho  
_

Taeyong lets out a sigh. _  
_

_Me:_

Yeah, sure! 

Taeyong turns off his phone and stares at his room’s ceiling. 

* * *

Taeyong stands under a waiting shed at 10 in the morning, his knees slightly shivering from the cold. He adjusts the hearing aids on his ears, covering them with his scarf to shield them away from the cold. He stares at the thin layer of ice covering the pavement while he rubs his gloved hands together to generate more heat. 

“Taeyong!” 

Johnny jogs over to him from the other side of the road. He wore a navy blue coat and a white scarf around his neck, his hair styled down this time around, and as Taeyong stares back at him, he cannot help but think just how good looking Johnny really is. He’s never really thought of his physical appearance that much before considerin how they mostly see each other during their games, but he realizes just how well Johnny carries himself. Swallowing thickly, he waves a hand at him. 

“Did you wait long?” Johnny asks once he reaches Taeyong’s side. 

Taeyong shakes his head. “No,” he tells him. “I just got here.” 

“Let’s go, then?” Johnny holds out a hand to him. Taeyong stares at it for a few seconds, his cheeks heating up at the gesture, just as the bus pulls up in front of them. Carefully, Johnny takes his hand in his and pulls him towards the vehicle.

They sit together side by side, with Taeyong looking out the window quietly. Johnny’s presence feels warm beside him, their arms touching ever so lightly. He sees Johnny’s reflection from the window and catches his eyes. 

“Do you get motion sickness?” Johnny asks him. 

Taeyong turns back to look at him. “Not really, but I tend to fall asleep during car rides...” 

“Oh!” Johnny grins at him, patting his shoulder. “You can always lean on me if you want to! I don’t mind.” 

Taeyong bites his lower lip, his cheeks now a deeper shade of red. “O-okay...” 

The two of them fall in a comfortable silence. From time to time, Taeyong would glance back up to Johnny and catch his gaze. It was embarrassing, yet somehow also comforting. Johnny is far too gentle to him, and he cannot help but notice every little action he does as the hour passes by. Johnny doesn’t forget to support Taeyong’s back when going down the bus, and he doesn’t forget to open doors for him whenever they’re entering a new place. Johnny would often dust away the snow that formed on his shoulders with a gentle smile, his touch barely even noticeable at all. He moves so subtly around Taeyong, but Taeyong still notices him. It feels _nice._

_“_ Uhm, are there going to be subtitles In the movie?” Taeyong asks him as they stand on the escalator. Johnny stands behind him to support him in case he falls or loses his balance. _  
_

“Yup!” Johnny chirps. “I figured you would want to have subtitles since you mentioned to me before that you don’t hear well when it comes to loud noises, and the speakers inside the cinema is quite loud.” 

Taeyong purses his lips. He still remembered that? 

“Oh. Thank you...” 

“No problem, Yong.” Johnny smiles at him. 

After buying their food and drinks – Johnny insisted on paying for all of them, and Taeyong felt guilty, but the gesture made his heart swell – they headed inside the cinema with their tickets and settled down on their designated seats. Johnny had picked a romance comedy movie that Taeyong usually sees being advertised on TV. It looks promising when he read the synopsis of the story online before they met up for their “date”, and he hopes he would be able to genuinely enjoy it. He didn’t want to waste Johnny’s efforts. 

At some point in the movie, after a few snorts and laughter here and there, Taeyong shivers on his seat. He holds his almost empty popcorn container closer to him, rubbing his thighs together. 

Johnny turns to him. “Are you cold?” He whispers. 

“It’s fine,” Taeyong says with a shrug. “I can manage.”

Shaking his head, Johnny lifts up the arm chair settled in between the two of them and slowly wraps his arm around Taeyong’s shoulders. Taeyong feels himself tense at his gesture, eyes widening momentarily at their sudden closeness. He feels warm. 

“Better?” Johnny leans into his ear. 

Taeyong nods once, his face hot. “Y-yeah.” 

Taeyong lets himself relax in Johnny’s embrace, a sigh passing by his lips every once in a while. When the movie finished, Johnny had been grinning from ear to ear, and Taeyong cannot help but to pinch him on his side. 

“What?” Johnny chuckles while trying to get away from Taeyong. 

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him, his cheeks still pink. “Are you hungry?” 

“Not yet. Why? Are you? I know a good place to eat.” 

Taeyong cranes his head to the side. “Mm, not really. But I do want donuts.” 

“You really like sweets, don’t you?” 

Taeyong grins at him, and Johnny finds himself grinning back. “I do.” 

Johnny bought Taeyong a box of donuts and a frappuccino. They even took a few pictures of each other and posted some of them on their social media accounts. Taeyong finds out that Johnny loves taking photos of literally anything he sees and that he’s currently saving up to buy a brand new camera. 

“I think you shoud pursue it in college,” Taeyong suggests as he takes a bite out of his donut. Johnny continues to watch him, still smiling. “If that’s what you love to do, then I say go for it.” 

“And if it doesn’t work out?” 

Taeyong shrugs. “It’s not bad to try, right? Go big or go home.” 

Johnny leans forrward. “What about you? What are your plans for college?” 

“Physics, maybe? I’m good at Physics, and my aunt told me that I could become a teacher afte I graduate.” 

“Do you like it, though?” 

“I guess so? I haven’t really thought much of it, but I do like designing clothes.” 

Johnny’s eyes lit up. “Oh! There’s a fashion school nearby, right?” 

Taeyong nods at him, taking a sip from his frappuccino. “Isn’t it expensive, though?” 

“Well, there are scholarships...” 

Taeyong leans back on his chair. Fashion design? It doesn’t sound too bad. 

“Hm, I’ll think about it.” 

Johnny accompanies Taeyong on their way home, saying he also lives nearby and that he wanted to make sure Taeyong gets home safely before he goes on his way. The gesture made Taeyong feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He’s not used to having all of the attention directed to him. 

“I’ll see you soon, I hope?” Johnny asks as they stand in front of Taeyong’s house. Taeyong spares a glance at the Jung’s and remembers that they’re currently on a vacation. 

“Okay...” Taeyong breathes, nodding once. 

Johnny smiles, and slowly, he leans down to place a soft kiss on Taeyong’s cheek. It was quick aand gentle, and Johnny’s lips were definitely cold against his skin, but that didn’t matter, because it felt as though a thousand butterflies have fluttered alive inside of him with the simple gesture. He barely remembers them anymore, and the sudden presence of the familiar feeling from within him ignited a flame he’s always been so fearul to put into light. 

Johnny leans away and meets his gaze. “Yong,” he calls out to him. “I like you.” 

Taeyong’s breath hitches in his throat. _I want you to be happy,_ Jaehyun’s voice whispered to him. _  
_

“I like you, too...” 

Johnny lets out a gasp. 

* * *

Jaehyun goes over to the Lee’s house for dinner a week later with his hands full of souvenirs. Taeyong received a snow globe with the moon inside which immediately found a home on his nightstand along with some framed pictures of the two of them from whe they were younger. 

Taeyong didn’t know what to tell Jaehyun upon seeing him after a week of absence. He knows he have much to discuss with him, but he can’t find it in himself to open the topic about Johnny and the things that have transpired in the last few days that Jaehyun was away. He feels guilty – like he’s not even allowed to mention anything about his own current love life (if you can even call it as that). How would Jaehyun react once he finds out? 

“How was Jeju, Jaehyun-ah?” Taehee, Taeyong’s older sister, asks as the four of them sits around the table. “Too bad Yongie wasn’t able to join you this year, huh?” 

“It’s not the same without him, noona,” Jaehyun spares a glance at Taeyon. “But Miyoung came with us and filled his gap.” 

“Is that your girlfriend’s name?” Mrs. Lee asks with a gentle smile. Taeyong takes a sip from his water.

Jaehyun grins, nodding at her, his ears flushing a deep shade of red. Taeyong catches his sister’s eyes and see her raising an eyebrow at him. He promptly ignores her, bringing his attention back to his food. 

“I would love to meet her soon, Jaehyun-ah. I bet she’s very kind!” Mrs. Lee gushes. “Have her come over sometime when our Yongie invites Johnny-ssi as well!” 

Jaehyun snaps his head towards Taeyong, his eyes widening. “Johnny hyung?” 

“You know him?” Taehee asks, the piercings on her left ear glinting against the bright lights of the dining area. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun answers, still looking at Taeyong. “You’re seeing him?” 

“Something like that,” Taeyong grunts, not wanting to meet his gaze. 

“You didn’t tell me!” 

“I forgot...” 

Jaehyun throws his head back, groaning. After eating dinner and washing the dishes, Taeyong is the one to send Jaehyun on his way out, knowing he would want to talk to him along about Johnny. Ruby follows them outside, and Tayong had to carry her in his arms since she won’t be able to walk properly on the snow. 

“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Yong.” Jaehyun repeatedly tells him. “I thought I would be the first one to know!” 

“Sorry...” He mutters under his breath. “I didn’t want to disturb you during your vacation.” 

Jaehyun pouts at him. “You know you’re not a bother to me.” 

“But still.” 

Jaehyun grunts, rolling his eyes. “Is he good to you?” 

Why? “He’s the best.” 

“Okay,” Jaehyun nods. “That’s enough for me. As long as he’s good to you.” 

Taeyong stares at Jaehyun, the top of his head stained with snow. Ruby starts to whimper in his arms. That it? That’s enough for him? He’s not going to say anything else? 

_Fuck._

Why can’t he be jealous for once? _  
_

Taeyong grits his teeth. “Thank you, Jae.”

“No problem, Yong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chilly - NIKI


	6. feeling like i'm runnin' away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong now sees sunrises more than sunsets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! sorry this one took a bit longer than usual hehe i'm currently working on a few of my WIPs and school's a bit stressful as well so it's pretty difficult to balance everything,, hope you like this one tho! (un-beta'd)
> 
> \- sab

Taeyong, per se, isn’t deprived of attention. His mother had always made sure he and his sister were receiving the proper care and attention growing up, but for some reason, he slowly finds himself getting drunk with Johnny’s affection the more time passes by.

Johnny is, for the lack of a better word, devoted. Immensely devoted, as though Taeyong is now the only person he knows. Wherever Taeyong goes, he goes. Whatever Taeyong does, he does. At first, Taeyong was slightly appalled at the thought of Johnny being too dependent on him, but he soon came to realize that that is just how Johnny really is. Johnny loyal as much as he is kind, and Taeyong appreciates that. He  _ loves  _ the attention.

“Are you two dating?” Doyoung asks when he finally got the chance to have Taeyong all by himself. January had finally rolled around, but the freezing weather seems to only be getting worse especially after classes have finally started again.

Taeyong shakes his head. “Not yet,” he tells him, his cheeks a canvas of red. “We’re still testing the waters.”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, his gaze a bit too critical for Taeyong’s liking. He feels himself slowly cowering under his friend’s gaze. “But you like him?” 

“Yeah,” Taeyong answers, not missing a beat. He blinks up to him. “Why? Is there a problem to that?”

Doyoung shakes his head abruptly, his shoulders sagging. “No! Of course not!” he says, taking a step back. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Worried? Why?”

Doyoung bites his lower lip and starts to play with his fingers. “What about...” he trails off. “What about Jaehyun?”

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows. “What about him?”

“You don’t... You don’t like him anymore?”

Taeyong spares a quick glance at the doorway, as if checking to see if ay of their classmates will suddenly pop up to eavesdrop on their conversation. He lowers his voice. “Do you still want me to like him?”

“No!” Doyoung shakes his head again before lowering his own voice as well. “Of course not. It’s just... don’t you think you’re going too fast with Johnny hyung?”

“How?”

Doyoung shrugs. “I don’t know. I just feel like you’re not thinking this through, you know?”

Taeyong glares at him, irritation bubbling at the pit of his stomach. “What is it with you?”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Doyoung sighs.

“Don’t be. I know what I’m doing.”

Doyoung shakes his head, lowering his gaze onto his desk. Taeyong then turns away from him and decides to play with his phone instead. He understands his friend’s worries; he completely knows where Doyoung is coming from, but why can’t he trust him instead? He likes Johnny, and he seems happy with him. It’s better than moping around and pining for somebody else. Would he rather see him hopelessly in love with a person who brings him nothing but pain?

He doesn’t want that.

“Are we playing today, hyung?” Yuta asks Johnny when he sees him waiting by their classroom’s doorway after dismissal. He holds a broom in his hand.

“It’s freezing outside, Yuta,” Doyoung comments from behind him. Yuta turns a deep shade of red from embarrassment, muttering an apology to his senior before continuing to clean up their classroom.

Johnny grins at the two of them. “Where’s Taeyong?”

“He went to take out the trash. He should be here soon.” Doyoung answers, his tone polite and soft. 

Johnny nods at him and continues to wait by the doorway. When he finally sees Taeyong walking towards him, he sends him a smile and a wave of his hand.

“Hey,” Taeyong greets him back, his cheeks reddening. “You’re out early?”

“We had free period,” Johnny tells him. “Let’s go?”

Taeyong nods before walking back inside his classroom to gather his belongings. He waves goodbye to both Yuta and Doyoung before meeting Johnny outside the room and taking his hand in his as they left the building together. 

“Do you want to eat first before we go?” Johnny asks him as they approach their bikes. Taeyong turns to him, shaking his head.

“I’m not hungry...”

Johnny raises an eyebrow at him. “You barely ate anything during lunch, though? Are you sure you don’t want to eat?”

Taeyong nods at him, adjusting the scarf wrapped around his neck. Johnny makes a face at him, something in between displease and worry. “I’m fine, John,” Taeyong tells him gently. “You don’t have to worry about me all the time.”

“But I want to,” Johnny grins at him, satisfied with the way Taeyong’s cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. Pretty, he thinks. “I like taking care of you.”

Taeyong turns away from him, embarrassed. “Shut up.”

Johnny barks out a laugh from behind him, his laughter sounding like a series of hiccups and short breaths that somehow already became awfully familiar to Taeyong’s ears. He likes hearing Johnny laugh. Soft and mild, a contrast to Jaehyun’s loud ones.

“Let’s stop by a 7/11 first,” Johnny says as they mount on their bikes. “I want a slurpee.”

Taeyong scowls at him. “It’s freezing!” 

“It’ll be fine,” Johnny chuckles. “It’s just slurpee.”

It was, just as Taeyong had thought, not  _ fine.  _ Shivering, he pushes the tall cup of slushie towards Johnny, grimacing at the incoming head ache. The bright lights inside the convenience store definitely  _ did not  _ help with it.

“It’s too cold!” He hissed. 

Johnny snorted at his reaction before taking a long sip. “See?” he raises an eyebrow as if to prove a point. “It’s fine! You’re just over- oh shit, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Ugh, it hurts!”

Johnny presses the heel of his palm onto the side of his head, wincing slightly. Taeyong hits his arm lightly, still recovering from his brain freeze.

“I told you!” He tells him, chuckling. “It’s too cold!”

“Ugh, I should have listened to you,” Johnny says, groaning. “It hurts.”

Taeyong shakes his head at him, an amused smile playing across his lips. He takes Johnny’s gloved hands in his and starts to rub their hands together. Johnny watches him quietly, eyes full of admiration. Taeyong is pretty, he thinks to himself.

It was already dark when they arrived at Taeyong’s house. Johnny doesn’t forget to plant a kiss on Taeyong’s cheek before they part ways.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning?” he tells him. “I’ll stop by early.”

Taeyong nods. “Okay.”

Quietly, he watches as Johnny pulls his bicycle with him as he padded through the thin layer of snow covering the ground. He waits for him to disappear in the dark before heading back inside his house, only to stop midway when he spots a familiar raven haired boy standing by their doorway with Ruby in his arms.

“What are you doing here?” He asks as he approaches Jaehyun. He leaves his bicycle near their gate, shivering slightly from the cold.

“I was waiting for you,” Jaehyun responds, his bangs casting a shadow over his eyes. “I texted you multiple times.”

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows and immediately takes out his phone from his backpack. He sees a few unread messages and missed calls from Jaehyun. 

_ Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Hey, where are you? We’re waiting for you

_ Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Doyoung said you already left with Johnny hyung? You should have told me in advance hahaha

_ Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Get home safe. Love ya

“Oh,” Taeyong looks back up to him. “Sorry, I didn’t know...” he mutters under his breath.

Jaehyun lets out a sigh before putting Ruby down onto the ground. “Yong, are we okay?”

Taeyong blinks once. “What?” 

“Are we...” he trails off, biting his lower lip. “Are we okay? We haven’t been talking to each other that much ever since school started again. We don’t even bike together anymore.”

“You’re always with Miyoung,” Taeyong retorts rather harshly. He bites down on his tongue, instantly regretting what he had just said.

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

Taeyong lowers his gaze onto the ground, staring quietly at his overworn shoes. For the first time in years, he didn’t know what to say to Jaehyun, and as he lets the deafening silence linger around in the air longer than both of them had anticipated, only then does he realize how rapid change is catching onto them. They’re still them, but why do they feel so far away from each other?

_ I don’t want to hurt anymore,  _ Taeyong thinks. When he’s with Johnny, he feels content. He feels loved. With Jaehyun, all he can think of are the what if’s and the possibilities that he knows will never, ever happen no matter how hard he tries. He never knew seeing Jaehyun would bring him so much pain, and he doesn’t want that pain to last. He wants to escape that pain.

Jaehyun sighs. “Do you want to have dinner at our house? Mama wants to see you.”

Taeyong meets his eyes. “Dinner?” he repeats. Jaehyun nods at him, looking expectant.

“I...” Taeyong trails off. “I’’m tired.”

Something in between them snaps.

* * *

“Good morning!”

Taeyong is greeted by the warmth of sunrise cascading along his cheeks. He squints at Johnny who stands a few feet away from him with his bicycle beside him. Taeyong adjusted the scarf hanging loosely around his neck before walking towards Johnny with a slight frown on his face.

“Morning,” Taeyong greets back as he removes the lock on his bicycle’s wheel. “Did you wait long?”

“No, I just got here,” Johnny tells him, his hair tossed carelessly to the side. Taeyong tilts his head upward to meet his gaze. “I had to prepare our food, but I slept through my alarms.”

Taeyong cracks a smile. “It’s fine. It’s still too early, anyway. Let’s go?”

Johnny nods at him, mounting on his bicycle while he takes his time to spare a glance at Jaehyun’s house. It was still far too early in the morning, and he knows Jaehyun wouldn’t be awake until a few more minutes. He didn’t have the chance to tell him that he’ll be going with Johnny to school this morning, and considering how their short conversation the previous night ended in such a cold note, he’s not entirely sure if reaching out to him is still the best idea. Sighing, he shakes his head quietly.

The school is still empty when they reached the field. Taeyong tugged on his scarf to loosen its grip around his neck while Johnny walked a couple of steps past him, holding a separate paper bag in his hand. Still, he doesn’t forget to support Taeyong when they went up the bleachers.

Taeyong smiles at him. “Thanks,” he mutters before settling down. Johnny sits beside him and starts to take out the sandwiches he prepared for the two of them.

Sometimes, he finds Johnny’s actions too unnecessary.  _ I want to take care of you,  _ he told him, but sometimes the attention being directed towards him catches him off guard. As much as he likes Johnny’s entire focus being directed at him for most of the times, he still finds it odd. He’s never been taken care of by people other than his mother his whole life, and now that Johnny has decided to give him a bit more attention than he’s used to, he doesn’t know what to do with all of it. He likes it; he’s not just sure if he’ll be able to get used to it.

“I can’t eat all of this, John!” He exclaims, looking at the variety of sandwiches Johnny prepared for the two of them.

Johnny chuckles at him. “I’ll eat the rest, don’t worry! As long as you finish at least one of them.”

“Ugh,” Taeyong grunts. “I don’t like eating in the morning. It makes me sick!”

“Just eat one, love,” Johnny picks up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the container. “You’re starting to lose weight. It’s making me worry.”

Taeyong makes a face at him. “You’re always worried,” he mutters before taking a bite off of his sandwich. “What filling is this?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Peanut butter and jelly. I used to eat that all the time when I was still living in the States. Is it good?”

Taeyong shrugs. “It’s fine.”

“Here,” Johnny pushes the container towards him. “Have some more.”

“What about you?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow, his cheeks full. “You haven’t eaten anything yet.”

“You eat first,” Johnny says, smiling as he lifts a hand to softly carress Taeyong hair. “I’m good with just seeing you full.”

Taeyong feels his cheeks heat up. “Shut up,” he grumbles under his breath. Johnny flashes him a toothy grin, his eyes forming two crescent shapes, and it reminded him of whenever Jaehyun smiles.

“Yong,” Johnny calls out to him after a few seconds of silence. 

“Hm?”

“When you said you like me, you mean it as more than a friend, right?”

There was a hint of uncertainty in Johnny’s voice that Taeyong knows all too well. He spares him a quick glance, forehead creasing at the sudden question. The topic of being together had never once crossed his mind after their short “first date”, seeing as it was already enough – for him, at least – of a reassurance for them to avoid taking things too fast. Since then, Johnny had always stood by his side, and he thought they had come to a mutual agreement of taking things slow especially since they still barely know each other on a personal level. 

He didn’t expect Johnny to feel uncertain.

“I just want to know where I currently stand in your life,” Johnny continues. “I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Taeyong blinks up at him, the wind cold and harsh against his skin. “I told you that I like you, didn’t I?”

“As a friend, or...?”

Taeyong smiles as he put a hand on Johnny’s thigh. “More than that,” he tells him. “I like you, John.”

Johnny’s cheeks flush a deep shade of red, his honey brown eyes glinting under the peeks of golden light shining against them. “Will you be my boyfriend, then?” he breathes.

Taeyong feels the fluttering of a hundred buttrflies come alive once again at the pit of his stomach. He feels warm; Johnny feels warm like the sunrise.

_ I want you to be happy. _

“Okay,” he sighs, breathless. “I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Johnny grins at him, looking the happiest he’s ever been. “Really?”

“Yes...”

“Can... Can I kiss you, then?”

Taeyongs nods once, and Johnny immediately leans down to plant a soft kiss against his lips. Taeyong didn’t know what to expect, but the warmth of Johnny against his lips is something peculiar in a way in which he never expected to keep all for himself. Johnny’s lips against his – something foreign yet familiar – are warm and sweet and kind. 

_ I want you to be happy _ , Jaehyun’s voice whisppers to him.

He pushes away the familiar ache in his chest.

* * *

Taeyong stares at his phone, his elbows propped onto his desk as he stares at the recent text message from Jaehyun.

_ Jaehyunnie >.<: _

Come have lunch with me? I want to talk to you...

He turns to Doyoung in haze. “Doie,” he calls out to him. “Help me.”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, popping a mint candy into his mouth before leaning towards him. “What is it?”

Taeyong grabs his phone and shows the text message. “What do I say?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“’I don’t know...”

“Don’t you want to talk to him? Have you told him about Johnny hyung yet?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “No...” he trails off, feeling nervous all of a sudden. It’s just Jaehyun, he tells himself. “I didn’t know how to break it to him?”

“What?” Doyoung scoffs, incredulous. “Just tell him that you’re dating someone now. He’s your best friend, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t throw a fit over something so trivial.”

Taeyong sighs, squirming on his seat. “I feel weird...”

“About?”

“Talking to him alone,” he bites his lower lip. “We didn’t really end on good terms last night...”

Doyoung’s eyes widened. “You two fought?!”

“No! We didn’t fight, but...”

“But?”

“He asked me if we were okay, and,” Taeyong shrugs his shoulders as he slumped onto his chair. “I don’t know? It just felt weird. We haven’t been talking that much for the past couple of weeks.”

Doyoung stares at him, his gaze a bit critical. “Well-” he started, but immediately closes his mouth, shaking his head. Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him.

“What it is?”

“Nothing.”

Taeyong groans and reads the message again. “I should probably go talk to him...”

“Yeah, you should.”

_ Me: _

Okay

Sighing, he stuffs his phone back inside his pocket.

* * *

“Yong...”

Taeyong turns at the familiar voice, expecting to see Miyoung as well as he watches Jaehyun walking towards him while holding his lunch tray in front of him. He was mildly surprised when he noticed the absence of her presence.

“Hey,” Taeyong greets back, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Where’s Miyoung?”

“Meeting,” Jaehyun says as he sets his food down tha small table outside of the school building. The wind feels cold against their skin. Taeyong lowers his gaze onto his own food. “Where’s Johnny hyung?”

“Hm?” he turns back to meet his gaze.

“Johnny hyung,” Jaehyun repeats. “Where is he?”

“Working on a presentation...” Taeyong trails off squirming uncomfortably on his seat. Jaehyun’s chocolate brown eyes suddenly feels foreign to him, a mighty roar drumming in his chest, and he had to press his knuckles against his thighs under the table just to stop his knees from shaking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jaehyun asks, his voice lower and steely. “About Johnny hyung, I mean.”

Taeyong bites down on his lower lip. “I’m sorry,” he says. “We just got together this morning, and I didn’t know how to approach you.”

Jaehyun’s forehead starts to crease. “I’m... I’’m you friend? It wasn’t that hard?”

“That’s why I said I’m sorry...”

Jaehyun lets out a heavy sigh, looking distressed. “Yong, are we really okay?” 

“What do you mean?”

“It’s starting to feel like you’re slipping away from me now, and I don’t like it.”

Taeyong wanted to scoff. Who was the first one to leave?

“I miss you...” Jaehyun adds. “I miss spending time with you like the old times.”

Taeyong cannot help but to bite the inside of his cheek. “I miss you, too,” he tells Jaehyun, finding it difficult to actually mean what he had just said. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too...”

“For what?”

“For feeling like this.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“I just don’t want to lose my best friend.”

Taeyong blinks. Best friend.

“You won’t lose me, Jae. I’ll always be here.”

* * *

Taeyong plops himself onto his bed, feeling exhausted despite barely doing anything much for the day. It was already dark when he arrived home, and he finds himself slowly missing seeing the sun set over the horizon the more each day passes by. Sighing, he looks out his window.

His curtains fluttered slowly against the  panels, the moon barely noticeable behind the clouds.

_ I want you to be happy. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Easy - Mac Ayres


	7. when i lay sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong buys a gift that reminds him of Jaehyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa!! this chapter is very late, i apologize for that. i got waaaaay too pre-occupied that i forgot to write lol. this one's kind of like a filler chapter i guess? just to build everything up :DDD hope you guys enjoy reading! comments are very much appreciated.
> 
> \- sab (yzhangml)

Johnny points at another picture on the photo album. “What about this one?” he asks, staring at Taeyong’s old picture of when he was making a roll of kimbap with his sister, a grain of rice resting just beside his mouth. “How old were you in this picture?”

They both sit at the edge of Taeyong’s bed, looking through the latter’s old photo albums from his childhood while they wait to be called out for lunch. Johnny got invited by Taeyong’s mother to visit them over the weekends, and he couldn’t be happier with it.

Taeyong smiles softly as he leans against Johnny’s shoulder, resting his cheek near his neck and letting himself bask against his boyfriend’s warmth. From outside the window, snow still falls slowly. “Ten?” he shrugs. “I don't really remember, but I think it was the time when I first got my hearing aids.”

He looks at the picture again, staring at his younger self. He vaguely remembers a faint memory at the back of his head, something familiar yet seemingly so far away. He presumes it was around 6 years ago, when his parents had just recently parted, and they had to move back to their grandparents’ house for the meantime until their mother gets a stable job again. 

“When did you realize you needed them?” Johnny turns to him, “if you don’t mind me asking...”

Taeyong leans away from his shoulders, shifting uncomfortably on his bed. “Uh, before my parents separated, I think?” he says as he starts to fiddle with his fingers. “It was my sister who realized that I wasn’t able to hear clearly, especially with loud noises. They’re all just a bunch of ringing in my ears.”

“Was it difficult?”

“At first, it was. We all had to learn sign language to be able to communicate properly, especially after my condition worsened after a few months.”

He can still feel his frustration from when he had to learn how to communicate using sign. It took him a long while before he got used to it, and he even remembers feeling ashamed of it at some point. People would often look at him weirdly whenever he would try to sign in public, and he didn’t know how to deal with it until Jaehyun started to learn, too. He would always be over at the Lee’s house whenever Taeyong would have his lessons with the tutor they hired for him, and at first, Taeyong thought it was only because he wanted to play video games afterward, until he started to slowly converse with him using sign language. They were a bit sloppy during the first tries, but they eventually got the hang of it soon enough. 

_ You’re ugly,  _ he would often sign to Jaehyun.

_ You’re so mean,  _ Jaehyun would sign back, albeit a bit slower than Taeyong.

“Are you more comfortable using sign?” Johnny asks, tilting his head slightly to the side. Taeyong grins at him and gently runs his fingers through his boyfriend’s neatly kempt hair .

“Why?” he smiles up at him. “Do you want to learn how to do sign language?”

“Of course! If it what’s you’re more comfortable using, then I want to learn, too.”

“You don’t have to, though?”

“But I want to,” Johnny shrugs, leaning into him and wrapping his arms around his waist. “And besides, if Jaehyun knows how to do it, then I can too, right?”

Taeyong shoots him an incredulous look. “Are you comparing yourself to him?”

“No, of course not!” Johnny shakes his head at him. “I’m just saying, if your best friend knows how to talk to you using sign, then I want to learn, too. I want you to be comfortable when talking to me, that’s all.”

Taeyong’s gaze softens, a smile playing across his lips. He presses a hand against his boyfriend’s cheek and says, “But I like you as you are.”

Johnny feels his cheeks redden. “You really know your way with me, huh?” he says, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on Taeyong’s lips.

Taeyong sighs and leans against his chest. “You don’t have to do things for me, John,” he tells him. Johnny tilts his chin with his index finger before pressing another kiss onto his mouth, deeper this time.

“But I want to.”

“Fine,” Taeyong makes a face at him, “but only if you let me cut your hair for you.”

“What’s wrong with my hair?!”

“It’s getting longer...”

Johnny pouts, eliciting a laugh from Taeyong who continues to press closer to his chest. From outside, snow is still falling, staining the ground with white all over. Johnny takes a quick glance outside the window and smiles softly to himself.

* * *

Taeyong shoves a piece of bread into his mouth, his cheeks puffing out as he continues to eat quietly on his desk, crumbs falling from the corners of his space as he scribbles angrily on his Math notebook.

Doyoung shoots him a glare from his own chair. “Can you not?”

Taeyong looks up from his notebook. “What?” he turns to his friend with wide eyes, cheeks still full from the sandwich he’s eating. “What’s wrong?”

“Your crumbs are all over the place,” Doyoung grumbles under his breath as he proceeds to wipe on his sleeves. Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him questioningly. “And I can’t concentrate on my lectures with your chewing!”

“What’s up with you?” Taeyong glares at him. The crumbs, he understands, but he’s not even chewing that loudly! “You’ve been in a shitty mood since this morning.”

Doyoung groans and slams his notebook shut. “It’s nothing,” he grumbles. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m in such a bad mood either.”

“Did you get a low score on our History test earlier?”

“Fuck,” Doyoung mutters before resting his forehead against his desk. “Don’t remind me! I fucking hate that subject with all of me.”

“It’s just one test, Doie,” Taeyong turns back to look at his notebook. “Don’t worry about it.”

“My mom’s going to kill me!”

“I doubt that.”

Taeyong tears a piece of paper from his notebook before shoving the rest of his sandwich into his mouth. “Do you want to go with me and Johnny later? We’re going to the mall.”

“I need to review,” Doyoung says, his face still planted on his desk.

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him, pressing a few buttons on his scientific calculator. “You need to loosen up, Doie. Have fun at least once in a while.”

“Ugh, fine!” Doyoung lifts himself up from his desk, groaning. “I still need to study, though. Midterms’ almost here.”

Taeyong shudders on his seat. He almost forgot about that. “I’m going to study with Johnny. Do you want to join us on that, too? Well probably start by next week if our schedules wouldn’t overlap.”

“I don’t want to disturb you two,” Doyoung pretends to gag. “I’d rather fall into a canal than see you all lovey-dovey with your boyfriend.”

“We’re going to  _ study,  _ Doie. It’s not like we’re going to make out in between or anything!”

Doyoung stares at him pointedly.

“Okay,” Taeyong chuckles. “Maybe just a little bit. But the offer still stands!”

“God, you really like him, don’t you?” Doyoung shoots him a knowing look, an eyebrow raised. “And it’s like you have him completely wrapped around your fingers. Whatever you do, he does it without any hesitation.”

Taeyong turns to him. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” Doyoung shrugs. “But he seems nice, and he’s really kind, too.”

“He is,” Taeyong nods in agreement. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him.”

Doyoung doesn’t respond to that, biting his lower lip to keep himself from bluntly saying his thoughts out loud. It’s not that he’s entirely against Taeyong’s relationship with Johnny, but he’s adamant on whether it’s a good thing considering how Taeyong has always been entirely focused on his feelings for Jaehyun before Johnny entered the scene. So far, Taeyong seems happy, and he’s completely fine with that, but he still can’t shake the feeling of something tragic happening to his friend later on in his relationship despite it sailing smoothly.

“Do you want to join us next week, Doyoung?” Johnny asks as the three of them strolled around the mall with their ice cream after dismissal.

Doyoung carefully shakes his head. “I’m good, hyung,” he tells him with a hesitant smile. “I don’t want to impose.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him again. “I already told you, Doie. It’s fine with us if you join.”

Doyoung frowns at him, the idea of being alone with the two of them making him feel queasy. He’d rather drown himself in acid than watch them be sickeningly affectionate towards each other. “I don’t want to be a third wheel.”

Johnny’s face split into a grin, snorting. “Sorry,” he says. “but you should still join us if that’s what worries you. Taeyong would like it better if you come over. We can go to a cafe and I can give you guys some of my notes from last year.”

Doyoung sighs, still hesitant. “Okay...”

Taeyong smiles at him, then, while Johnny proceeds to rush to his side to wipe away some of the melted ice cream that dripped onto his boyfriend’s hand. Doyoung raises an eyebrow at the sight while Taeyong continues to look around the mall as though nothing is happening.

“He really takes care of you well,” Doyoung says to him when Johnny leaves the two of them to look for a trash bin. “That’s nice.”

“He does, right?” Taeyong smiles at him, his cheeks rosy and pink. He seems to be glowing. “I really like that about him.”

“Mhm,” Doyoung nods slowly. “He’s a good guy.”

Johnny jogs over to them a few minutes later. “Look who I found!” he tells them before turning around to show Jaehyun and Yuta with him.

“Oh!” Taeyong’s eyes momentarily widen at the sight of the two. “Hey! I didn’t know you’d be here, too!”

“Doyoung texted me earlier,” Yuta informs while he adjusts the scarf around his neck.

“Where’s Miyoung noona?” Doyoung asks, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“She didn’t come to school today,” Jaeyun tells him, eyes quickly darting to Taeyong for a split second. “She’s sick.”

Taeyong starts to shift uncomfortably on his feet, somehow refusing to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. Johnny takes another step closer to him, encircling an arm around his boyfriend’s waist protectively. Jaehyun’s eyes flicker onto Johnny’s arm, an eyebrow raised.

Johnny turns to look at both Jaehyun and Yuta. “Do you want to join us next week? We’ll be studying together for midterms.”

Yuta nods immediately. “Sure!” he says before turning to look at Doyoung. “You’re coming, too, right?”

“Yep.”

Taeyong looks at Jaehyun. “What about you?” 

Jaehyun shrugs, stuffing his hands into his coat’s pockets. ”I’ll ask Miyoung first.”

Ah. Right.

“She can come, too,” Johnny adds. “The more the merrier!”

Doyoung clears his throat, noticing the slight tension starting to hang in the air. “So,” he starts in an attempt to divert their attention away from whatever it is that’s causing them to be so tensed. Taeyong lowers his gaze onto the floor, feeling Johnny’s tightening grip on his waist. “Any plans for this weekend?”

Yuta nudges Jaehyun’s side. “It’s your birthday this Saturday, right?”

Taeyong blinks at that, snapping his head to look back at his best friend, his eyes wide. Jaehyun stares at him in disbelief. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Sorry...” he trails off, biting down on his lower lip. “I was...busy.”

“Right,” Jaehyun shrugs. “We’ll have lunch at our house. You guys can come if you want.”

“Are we required to bring a gift?” Yuta scratches the back of his head. “It’s on Valentine’s so a few stuff might e more expensive than usual.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jaehyun shrugs. “I don’t really care about gifts that much,” he says, turning to look at Taeyong expectantly. Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him, remembering their usual agreement.

_ A gift. Something that reminds you of me. _

Johnny leans down to his boyfriend’s ear. “You’re getting him something, right?”

Taeyong shrugs. “Maybe? I don’t know yet.”

The ride home later that night is quiet with Jaehyun trailing behind them quietly, and when they arrive in front of Taeyong’s house, the raven haired boy had already gone past them, muttering something under his breath as he talks to someone on the phone. Miyoung, Taeyong presumes when he vaguely hears Jaehyun ask if the medicine he sent already arrived.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Johnny smiles down on him, leaning in for a kiss.

Taeyong nods at him. “See you.”

* * *

Taeyong stares at the small wooden box sitting on top of his night stand a few days later, his newly washed curtains fluttering lightly over his window as the cold winter breeze slithered into his room. Grunting, he walks over to his window and quickly shut it tight.

He doesn’t know what possessed him to buy a carved music box for  Jaehyun as his gift, nor does he know why he even chose  _ that  _ song to begin with. It’s a distant memory at the back of his mind, something that’s already been long forgotten considering how it’s been ages since he last heard that song but it reminds him of  Jaehyun .

“You guys are still doing that thing?”  Doyoung asks later that morning over breakfast, still wearing the clothes he borrowed from  Taeyong the previous night. He decided last minute to stay over the Lee’s house for the night so he wouldn’t have trouble getting to  Jaehyun’s house for his small birthday celebration the next day.

“Yup,”  Taeyong says, popping the p. “It’s basically tradition.”

“What did you get him this time?”

“A music box.”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow as he watches him clean the kitchen counter. “A music box reminds you of Jaehyun?”

“Not really,”  Taeyong shrugs, walking over the kitchen sink to wash his hands. “But the song carved in it does.”

“What song?”

“Uhm, You Are My Sunshine.”

Doyoung snorts at him. “Why that song? Isn’t it old?”

“Why not?”  Taeyong says. “It’s still a nice song.”

“Touché.”

Taeyong glances at the wall clock to check the time.  Doyoung then slides down the stool he’s sitting on, greeting Taeyong’s mother in the process while he heads out to where the bathroom is. With a yawn,  Taeyong greets his mom with a wave. 

When noon finally rolled around,  Taeyong and  Doyoung were the first ones to arrive at  Jaehyun’s house. 

“ Taeyongie ! It’s been a while since we’ve last seen you here!” Mrs. Jung greets him with an embrace as soon as he steps inside their house. She turns to  Doyoung and gives him a warm smile. “You two have grown so much!”

“Ma, you see Yong almost every day,” Jaehyun comments from behind her.

“I know, but he hasn’t been visiting us for months now,” Mrs. Jung tells him. “I even thought you two had a huge falling out!”

“We’re good, Auntie,” he tells her with a smile. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

The four of them headed towards the dining area, chatting quietly amongst themselves while  Jaehyun’s father grills barbecue at their backyard. When  Doyoung is whisked away by Mrs. Jung to help with the plates,  Taeyong took the chance to give his gift to Jaehyun.

“Here,” he says, thrusting the small wooden music box into his hands. “Happy Birthday...”

Jaehyun stares down at the box, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “What’s this?”

“A music box.”

Jaehyun lifts his head to look at him. “This reminds you of me?”

Taeyong bites down on his lower and takes back the music box from his hands. He opens its lid gently to show the inside of it, revealing the small metals inside connected to the handle attached at the side. With a sigh, he starts to turn the handle slowly, and the familiar melody of You Are My Sunshine starts to play quietly.

“Oh!”  Jaehyun exclaims. “I remember this!”

Taeyong’s eyes widened. “Really?” 

“Of course. I used to sing this to you all the time when we were kids, right?”

Taeyong stares at Jaehyun in disbelief.

They were five years old, then, just a couple of kids in clothes that they are starting to outgrow.  Taeyong has always complained about their nap times being too boring without both of their parents to sing them to sleep, and so  Jaehyun had taken matters into his own small hands. He sang for them quietly at first, his words a bit slurred but never hesitant, voice soft and rich despite being pitchy at times.  Taeyong will almost always fall asleep to  Jaehyun’s imperfect singing. At times when he won’t, though, he will listen to him instead.

He thought  Jaehyun had forgotten about it.

“Yeah,” he croaks out. “Yeah, you  d i d . ”

Jaehyun flashes him a smile, dimples deep and prominent at both sides of his cheeks. “Thank you, Yong. I really appreciate it.”

Taeyong nods. “Happy Birthday, Jae.”

“Happy Valentine’s, Yong.”

* * *

“So, what did you get him for today?” Johnny asks while the six of them sit around a table at the Jung’s backyard. Taeyong leans slightly on his shoulder, head resting near the crook of his neck while their friends chatter animatedly.

“A music box,” he tells him. “Why?”

“I was just wondering,” Johnny shrugs. “I got you a present, too.”

“For what?” Taeyong looks up to him, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

Johnny grins and starts to pull out a small box from his coat’s pocket. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he tells him quietly. “I got you a bracelet.”

“Oh, my god, John,” he says, sitting up straight on his chair. “You didn’t have to! I – I don’t even have a gift for you...”

Johnny shakes his head at him. “It’s fine, Yong,” he says before opening the box to reveal a simple silver bracelet. “Do you like it?”

Taeyong takes the bracelet from his hands, staring at it in awe. “It looks so pretty,” he whispers. “Thank you so much.”

“Hey! Lovebirds!” Miyoung calls out to the two of them. Both Taeyong and Johnny turns to her, and Taeyong immediately notices a familiar music box in her hands. “What are you two smiling about over there?” she says, grinning knowingly at the two of them.

“I gave him the bracelet!” Johnny tells her, smiling widely.

“Really?” she gasps, turning quickly to look at Taeyong. “Do you like it? I helped him buy that bracelet the other day. We went to a lot of shops just to look for the right one!”

Taeyong swallows thickly, his gaze flickering over to Johnny. They went to buy the bracelet together? The thought alone sparked a different kind of flame from within him. Johnny went to the mall with Miyoung...alone?

“I like it,” he says, voice a bit too stiff for his liking. “It’s pretty.”

He glances back down at the silver bracelet in his hand, and then back onto the music box she is holding. Johnny leans onto him and presses a kiss at the side of his head.

“She told me you would probably want something simple, that’s why I bought you something very minimalistic,” he tells him. “She has good taste in jewelry.”

“Mhm,” Taeyong swallows thickly, letting the bracelet dangle from his finger, “she really does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You Are My Sunshine (Volume 1) - Elizabeth Mitchell


	8. i don't mean to be a problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong and Johnny go through a rough patch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa!! i finally had the time to write again. my school requirements have been all over the place recently so i'm a bit stressed ,, plus i just celebrated my 18th birthday so i was a bit pre-occupied, but it's all good now! hopefully the next chapter comes in earlier than expected, but let's not hope too much hehe thank you for leaving comments! i really appreciate them. <3
> 
> \- sab (yzhangml)

“Pens down.”

Taeyong mentally curses at himself as he places his pen onto his desk with a groan, the last page of his examination paper only halfway done. He turns to look at Doyoung frantically and sees him staring blankly at his own answer sheet, lips parted slightly as though in a daze. Their classroom starts to buzz with dread and quiet complaints as midterm finally ends along with winter.

“Separate your answer sheets with your questionnaire,” the proctor tells them. “I will collect your tests through your class number, starting with number 1.”

“Yong!” Yuta calls out from the other side of the room. Taeyong turns to him, still confused. “Did you finish the last part?”

Taeyong shakes his head at him, forehead creasing in frustration. Yuta’s eyes widen in shock, a playful smile forming on his lips just as their proctor starts to collect their test papers. The latter lets out a choked laugh, one hand going up to cover his mouth.

Doyoung furrows his eyebrows and turns to look at him. “You didn’t finish the test?” he asks as if the idea is very far-fetched. Taeyong has never left a test paper unfinished before; he always makes sure to answer everything as much as possible. “What happened?”

Taeyong tries to think of a plausible excuse. “It was difficult,” he tells him. Doyoung was about to respond when he was called out by the proctor for his examination paper. Taeyong followed suit not long after, his cheeks having a faint tint of red on them while he grips his own papers in his hands. He did well, or at least that’s what he is trying to tell himself as he walks towards the front of their room. He’s never done bad in his academics before.

“God, I hope I get at the very least a passing score,” Yuta groans when they were finally dismissed for the day, officially calling out the end of midterms for the second semester. “I can’t afford to have another failing grade after what happened to Chemistry last semester!” he says as he loosens his necktie.

“I thought Miyoung noona helped you with Chemistry last quarter? What happened?” Doyoung asks. The three of them walked quietly along the buzzing corridors, taking a left turn at the end of the hall before walking down the stairs.

“I forgot half of what she taught me,” Yuta snorts, finding it hilarious yet also very concerning. “The study sessions we had really helped, though! Johnny hyung’s notes were a big, big help.”

Doyoung nods in agreement, although a frown still rested on his lips. “Yeah,” he trails off. “Although I got a bit confused with our English exam earlier. I didn’t finish the last part.”

“Me too,” Taeyong sighs, running his fingers through his dark hair that now fell past his eyelashes. “I barely made it halfway during the last part, and I’m not even sure if most of my answers are correct to begin with.”

“That’s weird,” Doyoung furrows his eyebrows at him. “That’s never happened to you before.”

“Yeah,” Yuta nods in agreement. “You always ace your tests.”

Taeyong shrugs, not really knowing what to tell his friends. It’s not that he found the exams that difficult to be honest. Sure, he probably forgot a thing or two halfway through some of his tests, and he was most definitely distracted at some parts during the whole examination week, but he’s never been in a state of such dilemma where he fails to finish even a single test. 

“It happens,” is what he tells them instead. “I guess I didn’t study hard enough.”

Doyoung spares him a quick glance, an eyebrow raised in suspicion. Taeyong only shakes his head at him, trying to convince him that everything is alright despite him knowing that it’s probably not the case. He knows exactly what is bothering him, nagging at him at the very back of his mind, but he’s too prideful of a person to admit it out loud. He would rather keep everything to himself than voice out his concerns, especially when it might cause an unnecessary argument between him and his boyfriend.

“Dude!” Yuta guffaws the moment they see Jaehyun walking towards them. “I didn’t get to finish the last test!”

“Fuck you!” Jaehyun laughs at him and points a finger to Yuta‘s chest. He has one strap of his bag hung over his shoulder. “You told me Chapter 8 wouldn’t be included in the exams! I didn’t know how to answer the essay!”

“That’s what I heard!”

Doyoung rolls his eyes at the two of them. “This is why you’re failing some of your subjects, Yuta. At least Jaehyun has a few extra points to pull his grades up even if he fails one of his exams.”

“Hey!” Yuta whines, one strap of his backpack falling limp over his arm. “I’m trying my best, okay?”

Taeyong sighs and adjusts his hearing aids, lowering their volume when his ears were starting to hurt from everyone’s loud voices. He catches Jaehyun’s eyes and quickly raises an eyebrow.

“Where’s Miyoung?” he asks him.

“She has a meeting with the council,” Jaehyun tells him, a small smile gracing his lips. Taeyong averts his gaze from him. “She’ll be here soon, I think. What about Johnny hyung? Where is he?”

Taeyong shrugs. “He’s-”

“Yong!”

The four of them turn to look at other end of the ground floor’s hallway, eyes immediately focusing on Johnny and Miyoung walking towards them side by side. Taeyong’s eyes quickly dart over her hands wrapped around his boyfriend’s arm, a huge grin plastered across her face as they trudged along the busy corridor.

_ Oh, _ is all Taeyong could think of as he lets his gaze wander over the two of them, eyes forming into slits and lips pursing into a thin line all while he stays rooted on his spot. Johnny meets his gaze halfway through, the smile forming on his lips a futile attempt to calm the brewing storm from within him. Everything went slow, just like in the movies, and he wonders all to himself if this is how things are really supposed to go.

He refused to admit it to himself at first. After all, Miyoung has already been Johnny’s friend even before he entered the picture. He has no reason to be jealous at all. And yet, he is. He knows he is probably overthinking it, and that there is nothing more to Johnny and Miyoung than just friends. He is well aware of the fact that Johnny has friends outside of their relationship, that he’s already known and dated other people even before the two of them got together, and that is completely fine with him. He can and will absolutely live with that. But somehow, as more days pass by, he feels more and more agitated whenever Miyoung is around them. Somehow, seeing her with Johnny makes him restless like an owl during the night.

It probably started when he first found out about her helping Johnny buy the bracelet he gifted him during Jaehyun’s birthday. Sure, it was probably an act of kindness from her side. Maybe she wanted to help her friend buy a gift for his boyfriend. All friends do that, right? But the thought of her being alone with Johnny makes Taeyong’s stomach churn in the worst way possible. Why did it have to be her who had to help Johnny buy a  _ jewelry _ ? A jewelry of all fucking things. A very intimate object.

“Why aren’t you wearing the bracelet?” Doyoung had asked him once a few days after Jaehyun’s birthday. “Does it not fit you?”

“Uhm, it does...” Taeyong trails off.

“Then, why aren’t you wearing it? You don’t like the design?”

He couldn’t answer. How was he suposed to tell his friend that the reason behind his refusal to wear the bracelet is because Johnny bought it with Miyoung, and that instead of feeling grateful every time he sees the piece of jewelry, all he could feel is the raging pit of jealousy roaring inside of him? 

His jealousy only worsened when their week-long break started, and the six of them all headed out to Johnny’s house to study together for the whole week. It didn’t help that Miyoung seemed to be overly too familiar around the place, or that she seems to have such great relationship with both of his parents. Taeyong had wanted to talk to Johnny’s mom, too. To greet her and tell her jokes he knew she would like, but the sight of Miyoung talking to her so casually and seeing her get treated as though she is also their daughter made him grow more and more resentful.

For a week, he watched the two of them laugh at their own jokes and share notes between each other while he sulked in a corner. Or maybe he’s just exaggerating? Either way, he didn’t like it. He feels inferior; and Johnny’s divided attention definitely did not help.

“How’s your exams?” Johnny asks once he approaches Taeyong, leaning in to press a kiss on his cheek. Taeyong’s eyes remain glued on Miyoung, watching as she quickly removes her grip around Johnny’s arm to greet Jaehyun. Why does Jaehyun look unbothered?

“Good,” Taeyong sighs, smiling softly at him. “What about you?”

“Good, too.”

“Hyung,” Yuta calls. “Can I keep some of your notes until next month? I want to photocopy them.”

Johnny nods at him. “Sure,” he says, entertwining his fingers with Taeyong’s frail ones. Taeyong almost flinches away from the contact, jaw clenching in slight irritation. He lowers his gaze onto the floor while Johnny bids their friends good bye, telling them that they still have other things to do before walking away from their small group.

“Where are we going?” Taeyong asks him once they’re out of sight. Slowly, he removes Johnny’s hand in his. 

Johnny’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, glancing at his hand for a split second before looking back to meet his boyfriend’s gaze. Taeyong pretends he doesn’t notice the way Johnny clenched his jaw at that. “I wanted to take you out since exam week is over.”

Taeyong clicked his tongue, unable to mask his mood. “Sorry,” he tells him, embarrassed with the way he’s suddenly acting. “Can we go out next time? I’m really not in the mood.”

“Oh,” Johnny mutters under his breath. “That’s... That’s fine. Are you alright, though?”

“I’m fine,” Taeyong turns away from him. “Just a bit preoccupied with...stuff.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Taeyong shakes his head, sighing in relief when they finally arrive at where their bicycles are parked. Grunting, he pries away the scarf wrapped around his neck, lips still pursed into a thin line, and quickly removes the lock on his wheel. Johnny quietly watches him from behind, forehead creasing in confusion. Is there something wrong?

“Yong, are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

Taeyong bites down on his lower lip. He shakes his head, not bothering to meet his boyfried’s gaze as he mounts on his bicycle. The image of Miyoung clinging onto Johnny’s arm flashes like a slideshow in front of his eyes. “I’m not mad,” he tells him, lying straight through his teeth. “Let’s go? I'm tired.”

They were both quiet when they arrived in front of Taeyong’s house, and for the first time in a while, Taeyong sees the sun slowly starting to set over the horizon once again, the thin layer of snow steadily melting against the ground and under their feet. A ray of sunlight hit his cheek, warm and gentle.

“Yong,” Johnny calls out for him. “I want to show you something.”

Taeyong turns to him, an eyebrow raised. Johnny is smiling when their eyes meet. “What is it?”

Slowly, Johnny points to his eyes, his movements a bit hesitant. Taeyong proceeds to watch him carefully as he points back to him. Then, he tucks his fingers into his palm and presses his thumb against the side of his cheek before slowly bringing it forward.

_ See you tomorrow. _

Taeyong finally manages to crack a smile, his shoulders sagging. Golden light spills from behind Johnny, his hair glowing against the streaks as they cascade down his shoulders.

Taeyong nods. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he tells him. With a sigh, he walks up to him and pressess a quick and gentle kiss on his lips.

Johnny sighs into the kiss and pulls him closer to his chest. Taeyong feels warm and comfortable around his arms, his lavender scent familiar under his nose, and he feels himself falling even deeper than he already has.

Taeyong pulls away, his lips red. “Sorry,” he says. “I’ll make it up to you next time.”

“It’s fine,” Johnny gently takes his hand in his. “If you want to talk about it, you always know where to find me, right? I’ll listen to you.”

“Yeah...” Taeyong trails off.

Johnny lowers his hand onto Taeyong’s wrist, eyebrows furrowing in confusion when he realizes Taeyong is not wearing the bracelet he gave him.

“You’re not wearing it again,” he mutters, eyes glued onto his boyfriend’s pale wrist as his thumb gently caressed the prominent veins running down Taeyong’s forearm. “You said you’ll wear it today?”

Taeyong removes his hand from his grip. “I forgot...” he tells him, voice growing smaller.

Johnny only sighs at him, his expression somewhere in between anger and pain. Taeyong averts his gaze and takes a reluctant step back.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, John.”

* * *

Taeyong wakes up with a jolt, a dull ache reverberating through his limbs as he blindly stares at nothing. Light and quiet footsteps padded against the floor, and he vaguely hears Ruby’s deep and heavy breathing before he feels the pressure of her feet against his stomach as she pounces on his side. Groaning, he reaches out to his side for his night light’s switch.

He lets his eyes adjust for a few seconds, eyes bleary and unfocused against his ceiling while Ruby continues to nuzzle on his side. It was still dark from outside his window, the faint echoes of crickets chirping in the dark whispering quietly through his room, but he couldn’t hear any of it without his hearing aids on. The silence that hung over his head made his room seem colder and emptier – there's a ringing in his ears that he has already grown accustomed to, a quiet whistle that makes his head throb. He continues to stare at the ceiling, chest still pounding.

In his dream, both Johnny and Jaehyun were smiling at him as they stood against each other near the entrance of a tunnel. The images are vivid in his mind now that he’s trying to think about it, but he remembers the same feeling of emptiness settling within him as he watches Miyoung slowly pull them away from him.  _ Everyone will leave,  _ they all seemed to tell him.  _ Everyone. _

Sighing, he casts a quick glance at Ruby and pulls her closer to his chest, nuzzling her ears with his nose in an attempt to comfort himself from his recurring dream. It’s alright, is what he tells himself, no one will leave. No one will leave him again. It’ll be alright.

Dawn breaks from the horizon with him still lying on his bed quietly.

* * *

The day is still cold, and Taeyong finds himself becoming more and more irritated as he and Johnny biked through the harsh morning wind on their way to school. The rice fields are empty and still flaked with thin remnants of ice, the yellow tint coming from the sunrise reflecting against the fields and becoming a blur of gold and warmth as they pass through them all.

“By the way,” Johnny starts once they arrive at school. “I won’t be able to come with you for lunch. Would that be alright?”

Taeyong nods at him as he puts a lock on his bicycle’s wheel. “Okay,” he says. “Working on a project again?”

“Kind of?” Johnny scratches the back of his head, cheeks flushed pink from the cold. “I have to help Miyoung with the counsil’s promotional video for one of their new projects. They’re collaborating with the photography club for it.”

Taeyong runs a hand through his hair, jaw clenching at the mention of Miyoung. Johnny’s eyes dart over to his wrist, an eyebrow raised.

“You’re not wearing it again...” he trails off. Taeyong could sense a hint of discomfort in his voice.

“I forgot,” he says, shrugging nonchalantly. He couldn’t even get himself to at least look at the bracelet earlier, choosing to ignore the small box on his night stand to prevent himself from having a breakdown at such an early hour. It was pathetic.

“Are we okay?” Johnny asks him. “Like, genuinely. Are we okay? Is something bothering you? Tell me.”

Taeyong shakes his head at him. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Taeyong...”

“I said nothing is wrong, John. I’m fine.”

“But-”

“Will you just let it go?” Taeyong snaps. “I already told you I’m fine! Why do you keep on insisting? Jaehyun doesn’t even do that!”

The words that left his mouth barely registered to him as he watched Johnny’s face slowly fall apart. He blinks up at him, lips parting in shock when he realized what he had just said.  _ Fuck. He shouldn’t have said that.  _

Swallowing thickly, Johnny nods at him once. “Okay...” he sighs. “Alright. I’m sorry.”

“John-”

“No,” Johnny shakes his head as starts to adjust the strap of his sling bag. “No, it’s fine. I understand.”

_ Shit. “ _ I didn’t mean that-”

“It’s alright, Yong,” Johnny heaves out another heavy sigh, his eyes passive and almost blank. There is an edge to his voice that cuts through his own words like glass. “I get it.”

“John...” Taeyong tries to reach out for his hand. Johnny lets him entertwine their fingers together, eyes glued onto their touching skin. He knows he can’t resist Taeyong. “Sorry, forget that I said that.”

“Okay...” Johnny tries to put on a smile. It barely reached his eyes. “I’ll... I’ll text you later?”

Taeyong bites on his lower lip, nodding once. He sighs as he watches him walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crying Over You - HONNE


	9. now might not just be the time for us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong is not ready to let go just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long overdue, i know! sorry for the delay, i was busy (again) with school works, nothing new. i hope everyone's having a great day/night! this one's a bit short, but it's essential to the ~plot~
> 
> thanks for the comments! i really appreciate them <3
> 
> twt: yzhangml
> 
> \- sab

Doyoung is the first one to break the silence that loomed over their table when Taeyong decided to join them for lunch. “What are you doing here?” he asks, chopsticks hanging mid-air as he stares at his friend, mildly confused. Yuta continues to eat his meal beside him, unbothered.

“Eating lunch with you?” Taeyong trails off as he sets down his tray of food onto the table. He takes the seat from across his friends and tries his best not to meet their questioning gazes. Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, frowning.

“Where’s Johnny hyung?”

“Uhm,” Taeyong lowers his gaze onto his food. “He’s busy? I think...”

“You think?”

Yuta rolls his eyes at the two of them. “Read the room, Doyoung. They obviously had a fight.”

Doyoung’s eyes widened in shock. “What did you do?”

Taeyong bites his lower lip. “We didn’t fight!” he tells them despite sounding unsure of his own words. He leans back onto his chair, sighing. “It was just a misunderstanding, that’s all.”

“Why? What happened?” Yuta turns away from his food to meet his gaze. “I mean, if you don’t mind me asking. I was just curious.”

Taeyong shrugs and starts to pick on the food in his tray. He should have just brought his own lunch with him. “It’s nothing, really...”

“Is it about Miyoung noona?”

Taeyong snaps his head towards Yuta, eyes widening in shock. Doyoung quickly elbows him on the side, his lips pursing into a thin line as he tries to stop their friend from running his mouth. Yuta makes a face at them, regret quickly bubbling inside of him.

“Uh,” he chuckles. “I mean-“

“What about Miyoung?” Taeyong cuts him off, his voice sharp and heavy. Doyoung lowers his head and starts to focus more on his food.

Yuta bites his lower lip, shrugging. “We just noticed you’ve been acting weird ever since Jaehyun’s birthday. I just thought it has something to do with her since she’s being close with Johnny hyung again.”

Doyoung lifts his head to look at Taeyong, sighing. Taeyong stares back at him, evidently confused. “We were just thinking if you’re jealous of her, Yong. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Yuta nods along to his words as he takes a sip from his pineapple juice.

“Am I that obvious?” Taeyong asks.

Yuta chokes on his drink. “What?” he sputters. “Wait, what? You’re actually jealous?”

“Yuta, shut the fuck up.” Doyoung grumbles.

Taeyong shifts uncomfortably on his seat. “Is it bad that I’m jealous of her?”

Doyoung shakes his head at him. “It’s normal to be jealous, Yong. Your feelings are completely valid. I probably would be jealous too if I see my boyfriend with another person.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But Miyoung noon is his friend.” Yuta shoves a piece of meat inside his mouth. “I also think what you’re feeling is understandable,” he says, his words a bit slurred because of the food in his mouth. “but I also think that you’re just overthinking especially since you’re also jealous of her being Jaehyun’s new center of attention.”

It was Doyoung turn to choke on his own food. Taeyong glares at him this time. “What the hell, Doyoung?” he says through gritted teeth. Does Yuta know about how he used to feel for Jaehyun?

Doyoung starts to shake his head. “I didn’t tell him anything, I swear!”

“Oh?” Yuta snorts. “You know, I may seem like an airhead, but it’s not that difficult to read people! I’ve been noticing a few things ever since Jaehyun got together with Miyoung noona, but I decided not to say anything about it because I might be wrong. I know that you’re not really not that fond of her especially after she started to spend more and more time with your best friend.”

“So, you knew all along?”

Yuta shrugs and shoves another piece of meat into his mouth. “It was just a hunch. I didn’t know I’d actually be right, but that’s beside the point,” he turns to Taeyong and points his pinky finger at him. “I think you’re allowed to feel jealous, Yong, but you have to let Johnny hyung know about your feelings because nothing good will happen to your relationship if you just continue to hide things away from him. And while you’re at it, maybe talk to Jaehyun, too.”

“What about him?” Taeyong tilts his head slightly. “I mean, nothing’s wrong with us.”

Doyoung averts his gaze and starts to pick on his food. Taeyong kicks his feet from underneath the table while he keeps his eyes focused on Yuta. The latter raises an eyebrow at him, a playful smirk playing across his lips. Taeyong suddenly feels the urge to punch him square in the face.

“He misses you, Yong,” Yuta tells him. “Don’t tell him I told you this, but he actually cried to me once.”

Taeyong perks up at that. “Why?” he asks, suddenly eager to know more. Doyoung sends him a sideway glance. “What happened?”

Yuta shrugs. “I’m not sure,” he tells him. “But he said that he misses you.”

“Oh.” Taeyong leans back on his chair and stares at the food in front of him. Now that he’s thinking about it, Jaehyun do seem to have been growing more and more distant the past few weeks. They both are. “But I don’t know how to approach him. We’re kind of in a weird place right now.”

“You live in the same area, Yong,” Yuta says as a matter of factly. “You’ve known him for practically your whole life. Just go talk to him, tell him how you feel.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand, too,” Doyoung shrugs. “You know how he is.”

“But I don’t want him to feel like he has to pick between the two of us!”

Doyoung frowns at him. “That’s not going to happen. Jaehyun’s logical enough to understand that you and his girlfriend both stand on different grounds. Just tell him how you feel, and you two can compromise from then on.”

Taeyong groans and throws his head back. “But he’s always around Miyoung!”

“Oh, my god, you’re just looking for excuses at this point!” Yuta says.

Doyoung sighs and sets his chopsticks down. “Talk to Johnny hyung first. Tell him what’s been bothering you. Then, talk to Jaehyun.”

Taeyong nods, sighing.

* * *

The sun is already setting when Taeyong met Johnny by the parking lot near the school’s entrance. Johnny stood waiting for him, both hands tucked inside his pockets. Taeyong lets out a small sigh under his breath and lets the cool air battle the warm rays hitting his skin as he padded across the damp pavement, the heels of his shoes clicking noisily from underneath his feet.

“Hey,” Johnny smiles at him, hesitating for a moment before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against his boyfriend’s cheek. The familiarity of his lips against Taeyong’s skin is comforting. “Let’s go?”

Taeyong leans away from him, shaking his head. “Actually, can we talk?”

Johnny swallows thickly, nodding slowly as he lowers his gaze onto their shoes. Taeyong bites down on his lower lip and gently takes his boyfriend’s had in his. They walk quietly towards the field, the familiar smell of wet grass and dirt swirling under their noses as dew clings desperately against the soles of their shoes. Taeyong leads them towards the bleachers, sitting down at very first step while Johnny trails his eyes over the top where they usually sit.

“I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier,” Taeyong starts. Johnny turns back to him and takes the seat beside him.

“It’s fine, Yong,” he tels him. “I understand. I’m sorry for pushing your buttons.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “No, I really shouldn’t have said that. It just, a lot has been bothering me these past few days, and I didn’t know to deal with them without worrying you.”

“You know you can always talk to me about anything, right?” Johnny sighs and takes Taeyong’s hand in his. “You’re my partner, Yong. I trust you.”

“I know that, but,” Taeyong groans and throws his head back. “I feel like I’m being irrational.”

“Tell me what’s been bothering you. I’ll listen.”

Taeyong lowers his gaze onto his lap. “I’m...” he starts. “I’m jealous of Miyoung.”

Johnny sits up, blinking. He doesn’t answer immediately and instead stares at his boyfriend for a few more seconds. “What?” he says. “Yong, there’s nothing to be jealous of. She’s my friend.”

“I know!” Taeyong turns to him. “I know that! But I cant help but feel like you’re replacing me with her.”

Johnny pulls away, removing his hold on Taeyong’s hand. “You know I would never do that...”

Taeyong nods, biting his lower lip. “I’m sorry,” he tells him. “I’m sorry for not telling you about it immediately. I thought you’d be mad at me, especially since she’s your friend.”

_I thought you’d leave me, too._

“You should have told me sooner, love,” Johnny sighs and starts to wrap an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders. Taeyong leans closer to his chest and rests his head against the crook of his neck. “I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed that you didn’t tell immediately.”

“I was scared...”

“Of?”

“That you might get mad at me, and that we’d break-up,” Taeyong closes his eyes and presses himself closer against Johnny’s embrace. “I don’t want to lose you, too.”

“You won’t,” Johnny says and places a soft kiss on Taeyong’s temple. “But next time, talk to me, okay? It’s better if we fix the problem immediately.”

“Okay,” Taeyong nods. “I love you.”

He lifts his head just in time to see Johnny smiling down at him, the color of his eyes turning a lighter shade of brown from the sunlight hitting his cheek.

* * *

_Doie:_

u still haven’t talked to jaehyun??

_Doie:_

it’s been more than a week lol

_Doie:_

yuta said jae’s sad

Taeyong stares at the typing bubble, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. A sprinkle of sunlight peeks from behind his thin curtains, his succulents resting quietly near the window.

_Me:_

why is he sad hahaha

_Doie:_

idk

_Doie:_

maybe u should talk to him

Taeyong sighs and drops his phone onto his chest. He reaches out a hand to his side to caress Ruby’s ears, still debating whether or not he should approach Jaehyun first or not. He doesn’t know why he should talk to him in the first place considering how they seemed to be on good terms the last time they talked, and he finds it unnecessary that they should feel the need to. If Jaehyun has a problem, he should approach him first and not the other way around.

Quietly, he rolls over to his chest and reaches out for his hearing aids on his nightstand. For the past few days or so, his ears have been frequently hurting more than they used to.

“Ruby,” he calls out for his dog, snapping his fingers twice to have her come to him. “You’re going to take a bath today!”

Ruby starts to whine, her brown tail wagging continuously behind her. Taeyong grins at the sight and snaps a quick picture of her to send to Johnny. He replies a few red heart emojis followed by a simple _good morning._

His Saturday went by slow and quiet, but the sheer presence of Jaehyun at the back of his mind continues to bother him. They’re doing alright, nothing is wrong with them, so why is there a need for him to fix something that is not even present? He does not understand why both Yuta and Doyoung wants him to talk to Jaehyun, nor does he understand why he needs to approach him in the first place. Is there really a problem between the two of them that he does not know of? He hopes not.

“You know, Jaehyun hasn’t been visiting us for dinner lately.”

Taeyong continues to rinse the soap covered dishes. “Hm?” he spares a quick glance at his mother and raises an eyebrow. She continues to watch him from the kitchen island, her chocolate colored hair neatly tied into a low ponytail behind her back.

“Jaehyun hasn’t been visiting us lately,” she says. “Is everything alright?”

Taeyong turns back to the sink and carefully sets the ceramic plates aside to dry. “Were good. Everything’s good.” He tells her. “Why?”

“Nothing,” he hears her sigh from behind him. “I just thought you two have been fighting again since he hasn’t been around you that much.”

“We’re just busy, Ma.”

“I know, I know. It must be hard for the both of you, I presume.”

Taeyong turns off the faucet and watches as the last drop of water hit the stainless steel. “Why?” he asks, turning back to look at her.

“Well, you two are growing up, Yong-ah. People around your age who have been friends for practically their whole lives tend to lose connection at some point in time.”

“We’re still fine, though?”

“But it’s not the same as before, right?”

Taeyong bites his lower lip and lowers his gaze onto the floor. They are still the same as before. Right?

“It’s alright to drift apart once in a while, Yong-ah,” she tells him. Her eyes remained kind and uderstanding as she slowly made her way towards her beloved son. Taeyong meets her kind gaze and wishes he got her eyes instead. “But you’ll find your way back soon enough, just as everyone does. I’m sure Jaehyun will always be there for you, just as you’ll always be there for him.”

“What if we don’t, though?” Taeyong asks, voice small and unsure.

“Then, it’s not bad to start learning how to live without him.”

Taeyong goes to bed confused later that night, his mind an abundance of things he’s never had the courage to think about before. Life before Jaehyun almost seems non-existent to him as it’s always him and Jaehyun, and never just him. To think about the great possibility of him having to move on from their relationship hurts him more than it should – it hits him deeper where it hurts the most. Where does he go from then on? It’s always been him _and_ Jaehyun, and never just him. Who is he without Jaehyun? What does he become once he starts to stop becoming an extension of his best friend? How does he cope with that, how will he be able to move?

Losing Jaehyun, just the thought of it alone, is just as terrifying as not being able to move away from the person he has become with Jaehyun. He doesn’t want to lose himself in the process of straying away from Jaehyun, but the more he thinks about it, the more the idea seems to be better not only from him but also for his best friend. Perhaps, they need to grow apart to be able to find each other once again.

He’s not entirely ready for that part yet.

Sighing, he goes up to his window and pushes the curtain away to look outside. The view of their backyard from his room is dark, but the faint light coming from the second floor of the house beside theirs is enough to wake his system up. Jaehyun’s window is closed, but his lights are still on.

He is suddenly reminded of the times when the two of them used to keep their lights open until every midnight, a sort of mnemonic for the both of them that the other is still awake and present; an opportunity for the both of them to send each other a text, or to open their window and shout for the other in the middle of the night. Jaehyun is always the one to do the latter, his then shrilly voice enough to pierce through Taeyong’s room. He always used to keep his hearing aids with him before sleeping just for that exact reason.

Taeyong turns to his night stand and quickly grabs his phone. He stares at Jaehyun’s contact name for a short while, debating whether or not to send him a text message or call him. Reluctantly, he opts for the latter and waits until Jaehyun has picked up from the other line.

His heavy breathing is the first thing is hears upon pressing the phone against his cheek.

_“Yong?”_

Taeyong bites his lower lip, feeling anxious. Jaehun voice sounds muffled and distant. “You’re still awake.”

A shuffle. _“Yeah, I am. How did you know?”_

“Your lights are still on.”

“ _Ah,”_ a chuckle. _“Well, yeah. I’m working on an assignment.”_

“Oh,” Taeyong bites his lower lip. “Am I disturbing you? Sorry...”

_“It’s fine, Yong. Is there anything you need?”_

“Nothing. I just thought maybe we could, uhm, talk?"

A pause. _“Like, right now?”_

“If it’s alright with you?"

_“Uh, sorry. I’m kind of busy right now. Maybe next time when both of us are free?”_

“O-okay...” Taeyong peeks outside and sees Jaehyun’s lights turned off. “Yeah, okay, sure. Sorry for bothering you.

 _“It’s fine, Yong.”_ A pause. “ _I need to go now. Talk to you soon?”_

“Okay. Bye...”

_“Bye..”_

Taeyong pulls away the phone from his ear and watches as the line goes dead. Jaehyun’s contact image popped up, and he cannot help but notice just how correct the others might be. Maybe something really is wrong with the two of them, but who is at fault?

He stares at the half present moon from his window, the faint light its emitting spilling over his face in silver and white. He lets himself stand by the window for a few minutes, enamoured, as clouds slowly moved to cover what is left of it. Darkness looms over his face, his eyes like obsidian under the shadows of the night.

Jaehyun’s room remains dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Favorite Clothes - RINI


	10. where did our time go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong breaks the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> delayed again, i know. but on a brighter side, i'm finished with most of my modules already so yay for that hehe sorry if i didn't get to reply to your comments from the last chapter. i was busy and i also took a short break from my main account on twitter so i wasn't able to check everything until just recently. anyway, enjoy!
> 
> ps. there's a strong typhoon coming in our country. stay safe everyone!!
> 
> \- sab (yzhangml)

Taeyong receives the ball with his left foot, grunting when another player comes in contact with him from his left side, pushing him lightly against his shoulder with a grunt. He spots Johnny signalling from across him and immediately passes the ball to his direction, the sole of his shoes grazing against the rough ground. He sees Yuta sprinting towards Johnny’s direction for the ball, and he quickly follows, panting, to try and act as a defense in case the other team takes the ball away from them again. Johnny quickly passes the ball onto another one of their teammates, and the motion of them scoring the last point goes unnoticed by Taeyong when a series of loud screams erupted from around him.

“Damn it!” Yuta curses, flopping down in the middle of the field from exhaustion, sticky sweat clinging at the tips of his hair.

Taeyong feels a hand wrap around his wrist, slender fingers gently touching his damp skin and the thin bracelet wrapped around it, smooth and familiar against the heat of the disappearing sun. The wind is cool against them, the remaining presence of winter still lingering around them as spring finally approached. Johnny’s smile burns right through Taeyong, his eyes as sweet as honey.

“We won!” he says, grinning unabashedly from ear to ear. Taeyong adjusts his hearing aids, feeling a light throb reverberate through the back of his head. Johnny immediately notices his slight discomfort and helps him with the device. “Are your ears hurting again?” he asks, voice as gentle as he could muster.

Taeyong nods, biting his lower lip. “A bit,” he tells him. “I’m seeing my doctor again next week, don’t worry. Mama already scheduled a meeting for us.”

“Hey!” Yuta calls out to them from across the field, squinting as he struggles to sit up from the grass. Taeyong turns to look at him, a frown resting on his lips, and raises an eyebrow when he sees his friend pouting childishly, his plain white v-neck t-shirt stained with dirt and grime. “That’s not fair!”

Taeyong shakes his head and walks over to him, ignoring the ache in his ears. Johnny trails along from behind him, the both of them covered in sweat and a bit of dirt as well. Taeyong’s calves are already starting to hurt, and he knows he’ll probably be cramping a lot the next day since he refused to do his warm-ups earlier, but it’s already too late to complain now. At the very least, he still managed to win against Yuta’s team for the first time in months.

“It looks like you’re getting rusty,” he snickers, smirking at his friend as he pulls him up from his spot on the grass. “I thought you’re better than me?”

“I am!” Yuta grumbles, dusting away a few dirt clinging onto his clothes. “I just went easy on you.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him. Johnny hands him a water bottle as he chugs on his own. “Thanks,” he mutters before twisting the cap and drinking it straight in one go.

“God, I’m so exhausted,” Yuta sighs. He shakes off the excess sweat building up at the tips of his hair, still panting lightly. “I thought I was going to be able to get the ball from you, hyung.”

Johnny starts to snicker. “Our defense is good. I already knew you wouldn’t be able to take offense especially since we’re already at our last point.”

“Just admit it, Yuta,” Taeyong smirks at him, teasing. “You’re starting to get rusty with your plays.”

Yuta glares at him. “No, I’m not!”

“Are you up for a re-match this weekend, then? We’re going to play again on Saturday.” Johnny hands the rest of his water to Taeyong when he notices him still panting after finishing his. Taeyong takes the half filled water bottle from his boyfriend’s hand and chugged it down as well.

“This weekend?” Yuta asks, frowning. “I won’t be available,” he says, turning to Taeyong. “What about you? Aren’t you going to finish your report for next week?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “I’m already done with it, so I’ll be able to play.”

“What? That’s not fair!” Yuta whines.

“You should have done it earlier,” Taeyong tells him. “Doyoung was willing to help you, but you turned him down.”

Yuta smiles sheepishly at him and starts to scratch the back of his head. “I thought he wasn’t serious with that offer...”

“Dumbass.” Taeyong turns to Johnny and catches him staring, his brown eyes wide and searching. He raises an eyebrow at him. “Let’s go home?”

Johnny nods, still smiling. “Okay.”

“Am I going to be the thirdwheel this time?” Yuta asks, trailing behind them as the couple starts to walk towards the empty bleachers. “This sucks, you know? If Doyoung was here, he would accompany me until I get home.”

“He does that?” Johnny turns to look at Yuta, an eyebrow raised.

Yuta nods at him, grinning from ear to ear. A few of their schoolmates pass by them, greeting them with multiple pats on the back as they headed their way. “Yup! He passes by my apartment everyday since his house is near my building.”

“So, you two go to and from school together everyday?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Taeyong kneels at the foot of the bleachers, grabbing the strap of his backpack and pulling it towards him to take out the clean towel he packed the other night. Quietly, he wipes away the excess sweat building up on the sides of his head before fishing out his phone from one of the side pockets of his bag. When he opens it to check on the notifications, there was still no reply from Jaehyun.

“What’s wrong?” Johnny starts to caress his arm when he notices him frowning at his phone screen.

Sighing, Taeyong clicks his phone shut and stuffs it inside his bag with a grunt. “Nothing,” he says, his forehead creasing in evident annoyance. Johnny only nods at him, not wanting to pry.

It was already dark when the three of them left the campus, shivering from the cold breeze as they biked past the now empty rice fields near their school. Johnny had offered to stop by the nearest convenience store when Taeyong mentioned something about wanting to eat snacks.

“I think it’s funny how people preferred Coke over Pepsi when Pepsi Blue could easily beat Coke in terms of flavor and aesthetic.”

Taeyong watches as Yuta filled his Big Gulp cup with Coke, one eyebrow raised while the other proceeds to sip on his drink only to refill it to the brim once again. He repeated the action for about three more times, wincing at the burn down his throat.

“I thought Pepsi Blue was already discontinued?”

“Yeah, but I got to try it in Japan before I moved here,” Yuta takes another sip from his Big Gulp cup. “It’s better than Coke.”

“No, it’s not,” Johnny grimaces at him, holding two packets of his favorite sweet potato snacks. “Pepsi Blue flopped because no one bought it. If you think it’s better than Coke, then you’re delusional.”

“You’re very vanilla, hyung.”

“Hey!”

Taeyong proceeds to ignore them and walks over to the chocolate aisle. He gingerly takes two bars of KitKats in his hands, eyebrows furrowing when he remembers Jaehyun and his lack of replies to his previous texts. Is he deliberately ignoring him or what? It irritates him and spoils his mood more than it already is.

He remains quiet for the rest of their short trip. It didn’t help that the insides of his ears were also still continuing to hurt while he thought about Jaehyun. As him and Johnny approaches their house, the familiar sight of their gates slowly approaching, he takes the chance to see if Jaehyun’s lights are on from his window.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Johnny asks him one last time as he mounts on his bicycle, the dim light coming from a neary lamp post illuminating the back of his head. Taeyong smiles at him, gently caressing his hand over his boyfriend’s forearm as he reassures him that nothing is wrong. When Johnny finally left, he spares another glance at Jaehyun’s house, sighing.

He tries to reach out to him again later that night as he flopped on top of his bed sheet on his belly, a quiet grunt escaping his lips. Ruby leaps over his bed and presses closer to his side, her ears perked up merrily as she tried to get her owner’s attention. Taeyong gently pulls her closer, wrapping an arm around her, before typing in another message for his friend.

_Me:_

heyyy are u free this dismissal? can we talk? hahaha

_Me:_

jae?

He stares at the screen, watching as the typing bubbles immediately popped up this time.

_Jaehyunnie >.<:_

hey sorry haha i was with miyoung

_Jaehyunnnie >.<:_

next time? sorry i didn’t see you message immediately

Taeyong mutters a curse under his breath, eyebrows furrowing is evident frustration as he leaves him on read. He yanks his hearing aids away from his ears and tosses them carelessly onto his night stand. Ruby quietly watches him, her head tilted to the side.

Sighing, he sits up on his bed, staring absentmindedly at the wall across him. Two weeks. He’s been trying to get ahold of Jaehyun for two weeks now, but the latter always seems to have an excuse whenever he tries to reach out for him. _Sorry, Yong, I’m busy. Hey, sorry, I went to the mall with Miyoung. I had to help her with her project. She asked me to come to her house for dinner. I came home late, sorry. We watched a movie and lost track of time._

Miyoung, Miyoung, Miyoung. It’s always her. He is starting to get tired of hearing her name come out of Jaehyun’s mouth every single time he tries to arrange a meeting for the two of them. He only needs a few minutes from him, but why can’t he seem to make extra time? The more he thinks about it now, the more he’s starting to realize just how ridiculous they are starting to get.

_Go talk to him,_ Doyoung had told him, and _fuck,_ he is already more than willing to do that at this point, to fix whatever is the case between the two of them because as much as his issues are still bothering him, he still cannot bear to have his best friend straying away from him. They were fine, right? They were doing great! Or was it just him who thought of it that way? Has it always been Jaehyun who felt indifferent?

Why?

He goes to sleep troubled that night, phone clutched tightly to his chest as he waits for a text message that never arrived.

* * *

“Are you alright?”

Taeyong wipes off the sweat away from his forehead and turns back to look at his boyfriend, squinting under the sun. “What?”

“Are you alright?” Johnny repeats his question. He sits cross-legged on this grass, his hair styled up to keep his bangs away from his forehead. “You were spacing out.”

Taeyong blinks down at him, staring for a few seconds before sitting down on the grass beside him, their ees and elbows touching. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, sighing. “I was just thinking of Jaehyun.”

Johnny hums and starts to trace small circles against his boyfriends arm, fingertips carefully dragging down his skin to touch the bracelet on his wrist. “What about him?”

Taeyong shrugs and turns to look at the field in front. A team from a different school is currently playing, and he watches the ball carefully as it gets passed on from player to player, their movements a blur of motions in his eyes. He wonders if that’s how he looks like when playing. Sweaty and agitated.

“I think he’s ignoring me,” he says, biting his lower lip. “I’ve been trying to reach out to him for more than to weeks now, but it seems like he’s trying to avoid me on purpose.”

“Did you two fight?”

“No,” Taeyong shakes his head. “Or atleast that’s what I think. Doyoung and Yuta told me to try and approach him since apparently we’ve been acting weird around each other lately. I thought we were fine, but then he goes around, ignoring me all of a sudden!”

Johnny frowns, still fiddling with the jewelry he gifted his boyfriend. “Why don’t you try and approach him again? Get straight to the point and tell him what’s been bothering you.”

“But what if he gets mad?”

“He’s your best friend, love. He’ll listen to you. Maybe he just needs some space for now, but I’m pretty sure he’ll come around sooner or later. He can’t resist you forever.”

“You think so?”

Johnny shrugs and wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders. Taeyong leans into him, pressing his head against the side of his jaw. ‘’I’m not used to him being mad at me, you know?”

Johnny turns to him. “You think he’s mad at you?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyong bites his lower lip. “What if he is? What do I do?”

“Maybe you’re overthinking it, love. You didn’t do anything wrong as far as I can remember.”

Taeyong pouts, pressing his body closer to his boyfriend. Johnny tightens his hold around him, a soft smile playing right across his lips. He presses a soft kiss on top of Taeyong’s head, sighing.

“I hate it when he’s mad at me,” Taeyong mutters under his breath. “i’m not used to him ignoring me all of a sudden. I don’t like it.”

“That’s why you probably need to talk to him, Yong,” Johnny murmurs against his hair. “If something is bothering him, he’ll tell you, right? You just need to talk to him and settle things between the two of you.”

Taeyong lets out another sigh, nodding. The two of them went on a date later that afternoon to take his mind off certain things. Johnny had tried his best to carefully walk around eggshells while Taeyong remained preoccupied with his thoughts all throughout the day. How should he approach Jaehyun, anyway? He’s already tried almost everything. Maybe if he just let it go and wait for them to go back to normal again, he woudn’t have to worry so much.

He goes home alone that night, his phone pressed against his cheek while he listens to Johnny’s gentle voice from the other line. “I’m here,” he tells him as he passes by the small lamp post near their house’s gate.

_“Alright. I’ll drop the call now,”_ Johnny says from the other line. _“’Sorry I couldn’t accompany you tonight.”_

Taeyong supresses a smile. “It’s alright.”

_“Okay, I’m dropping the call now. I love you.”_

“I love you, too.”

Taeyong waits for the line to go dead before putting his phone back inside his pocket. As he quietly passes through their gate, he notices a familiar figure from afar. He immediately notices Jaehyun even under the dark, his paper white skin glowing against the shadows.

Taeyong turns away and pretends he did not see him.

* * *

Jaehyun never gets mad.

Taeyong knows that for a fact. Even when they were still little, Jaehyun would always act as the bigger person between the two of them. It’s always him to have unrelenting patience and never Taeyong. It’s always him who’s is gentle and kind, and always the one to forgive and forget. Taeyong admires him for that – he thinks it’s brave that he can easily let his guard down and forgive in just a blink of an eye. What could be the only thing that can make hm run out of patience?

Taeyong, apparently.

More than a month had passed since the two of them last talked to each other, and summer break is finally fast approaching. Taeyong had given up on reaching out when he realized he’s the only one who is still desperately trying to tie the ropes in their relationship. He feels frustrated. Angry, even. How can Jaehyunn just sit around like nothing is wrong? How can he disregard their friendship just like that? He has been acting like Taeyong never mattered to him in the first place, and maybe he never really did. How can he resist his best friend so easily? It’s _unfair._

Why does it seem like Taeyong is the only one affected? Bit by bit, he can slowly feel his patience running thin. How can Jaehyun choose to ignore him that easily?

“What is wrong with you?!”

Jaehyun turns to look at Taeyong, startled at his sudden outburst, the deafening silence hanging in between them shattered easily as the latter finally snaps. Taeyong stands a few meters away from him, his chest heaving in annoyance as the sun slowly disappeared from the horizon.

They are like two ticking time bombs.

“Excuse me?” Jaehyun blinks at him, his mouth falling agape. He starts to tug at the hem of his uniform.

“What is wrong with you, Jae?” Taeyong repeats, the tips of his hair falling over his eyes. He is still damp with sweat all over, the plain t-shirt he used to play stained with mud and dirt. “Why wont you talk to me?”

Jaehyun stares back at him. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb with me!”

“Yong, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jaehyun heaves out a heavy sigh and runs his fingers through his disheveled hair. “Can we talk about this next time? I have other things to do.”

“You always say that,” Taeyong spat. Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows, fingers twitching at both of his sides. “You don’t have time for me anymore.”

_They are like two ticking time bombs._ Jaehyun is the first one to explode.

“W-what?” he stammers, blinking multiple times at his best friend, unable to properly process what he had just been told. _Fuck._ “I... I don’t have time for you anymore?”

“Am I wrong?” Taeyong glares at him, sneering.

Jaehyun clenches his fists at his sides. “I don’t have time for you anymore?” he repeats, louder this time. Taeyong is suddenly rendered speechless when Jaehyun starts to raise his voice. “Fuck,” Jaehyun mutters under his breath. “How dare you accuse me of not having any time for you anymore, Yong? How can you say that?!”

“Jae-“

“You were the one who started to avoid me, Yong! You were the one who suddenly acted like I wasn’t worth your time anymore! I reached out to you multiple times, but you turned me down! I still tried my best to keep you with me when I started dating Miyoung, but you were the one who insisted on pushing me away! I tried to reach out for you, but you were the one who slowly distanced yourself from me!”

“When you stopped going to school with me, I still tried to reach out for you! When we went to Jeju for our Christmas vacation, I was willing to take you with us but you were the one who turned me down! Even after you started dating Johnny hyung and you didn’t tell me, I let it pass because you said there was nothing wrong between the two of us! Even when you forgot about my birthday, I still let it pass! I waited for you, Yong! I was waiting for you to come back to me, but you insisted on pushing yourself away! It wasn’t me who has no time, it’s you! How can you accuse me of having no time for you when you were the one who left? Yong, you’re so unfair! You’re so fucking unfair!”

Jaehyun’s voice starts to crack, and Taeyong’s eyes widened when he saw him crying.

“You’re so unfair, Taeyong.” Jaehyun shakes his head at him before turning away and running inside their house. Taeyong continues to stand there, trembling against the ground, the gravel beneath him shifting against his feet.

He only goes back to his house after the sun had set, and the skies have turned obsidian. There were no stars to see.

He cries for Jaehyun for the first time that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home - Luke Chiang
> 
> (temporarily on hold. i’ll be back soon!)


End file.
